Why I’m single.

I’m in a rather self deprecating/snarky mood as I write this, which could be good or bad…or just more of the same. Really, we won’t know til the end, so bear with me I suppose as I attempt to be clever and charming. (You know, like usual.)

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about why I’m single. And why I don’t date. And why I’ve never dated, ever, in my entire life. I guess that’s what happens when you near a “milestone age.” Since I’ll be turning 25 in a few short months, I’ve become rather existential; questioning the deep meanings of life. Like, why are people fascinated by boy bands? Why do my friends tend to always live thousands of miles away? Why must I always open my mouth when putting on mascara? How necessary is health insurance, really? And why do men never seem to want to date me? This last question I could probably write a dissertation on.

So in an attempt at self discovery, I’ve decided to try and parse out why I remain unattached in a world that seems determined to pair everyone off. Maybe you’ll find some truth in it for yourself. Because if we can’t explain why we are single, how will we recognize why we no longer want to be?

1. Because I like being single. Despite evidence (posts, tweets, conversations) that may imply otherwise, I actually quite like being single. I like being responsible only for myself without having to worry about how my choices and ambitions affect my significant other. And that may sound terribly selfish. Actually, it is rather selfish, but it would be far more selfish to have that mindset while being in a relationship with a man. It wouldn’t be fair to him to be with him while thinking he’s holding me back. Instead, I’ll wait for a man who shares my dreams and aspirations.

2. Because I like being alone. I’m at my best when I’m sitting on my bed, my computer on my lap and my phone in my hand, muttering incoherent thoughts to myself. Of course, to you I might look crazy, but to me, it’s a piece of heaven. I love to be alone with my thoughts. I don’t mind the quiet; I revel in it. I can’t explain the peace I feel in the midst of solitude. And for now, I’m content to remain that way. One day, I’ll find the man who will share the silence with me. But today, I enjoy my own company.

3. Because no one seems interested. This is not some secret, stealthy way of asking if someone is interested. I’m hardly that subtle. But let’s be real, you can’t be in a relationship with a guy if he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. (And ladies, that’s probably the truest thing I’ve ever written!) At this point in time, there aren’t any men in my life who want to date me or pursue me or whatever you kids are calling it these days. Of course, I could put myself out there and take a chance. But I’m not in any rush. Also, refer back to point 1 and 2.

4. Because I’m afraid of commitment. How would I know this, you ask, since I’ve never dated? Well, there was this one time a guy asked me out, and I damn near had a panic attack. The idea of “being his girlfriend” made me realize I wasn’t in any position to be anyone’s girlfriend. Thinking about being with one guy, being in a relationship with him, trusting him, committing to some kind of future with him left me a hot mess. I couldn’t do it. And even today, the idea of dating and marriage leaves me wary. I’m a bit frightened of the long-term nature of it all. And I’m not about to take that step unless I can be confident that I can see it through.

5. Because I’m cautious. Translate: I’m not much into taking risks that could leave me hurt. Also, I’m not about to put myself out there just for the sake of finally not being single. I don’t think I could be the girl who dates in order to avoid being alone, all casual and nonchalant. That’s not me. I’m more of the lay low until a guy comes into my life and shows me taking the risk worth it. If I’m going to be in a relationship, I’m going to do it right. And I’m fine with waiting patiently until that happens.

6. Because my family is terrifying. Yeah, you think I’m kidding, probably. But I have five younger sisters. And two parents. And enough aunts, uncles, and cousins to make any guy feel uncomfortable. Hell, sometimes my family makes me uncomfortable. Bringing a man home to meet the family is not on my list of fun things I’d like to do this weekend. Or next weekend. Or next Thanksgiving. (Okay, maybe by next Thanksgiving. Never say never.) Seriously, a lesser man would be thrown off by my sisters. Staying single allows me to avoid this disastrous activity.

7. Because I’m still learning who I am. We’ve all heard it, the cliché “You won’t know who you are with someone until you know who you are alone.” I always roll my eyes at that. (But then again, I roll my eyes at most things. I’m terrible.) I think there is some truth behind the cliché, though. Because if you don’t know who you are, what you need, your desires, what you want out of life, how can you share that life with someone else? If you can’t look in the mirror and say “I know her,” how can you expect someone else to truly see and know you? How can you share your heart if you aren’t sure what your heart needs? And I’m still looking for the answers to those questions. I’m still searching. While there may be things I never can know, I still have some stuff to figure out before I’m ready to figure out someone else.

Ultimately, I’m single, because I choose to be single. I choose to be sans relationships during this time in my life. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Many who read this might be single as well. And I want you to know that being single isn’t anything to be ashamed of. Even if Facebook is turning into engagement central and all your younger siblings are pairing off, that doesn’t mean that a relationship is something you should seek out if your not ready. It won’t validate you or solve your problems. Being in a relationship isn’t the only thing us lovely people are on earth to do.

And for now, I’m not ready. There are things that hold me back. So, I wait.

Thank you for reading! And maybe (definitely) follow me on Twitter. I’m pretty entertaining.

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10 thoughts on “Why I’m single.

  1. My response to why I’m still single is:

    I just am.

    People assume we’re still single because there is something wrong with *us* and we can’t find a mate. Everyone has issues. Hell, I have them and I choose not to bring someone else into the mess that’s my life. I don’t want any one to ‘save’ me. Finding someone to accept us unconditionally and love us despite our flaws, issues, and those vulnerable places is hard. It’s already difficult because of all the Christian standards.

    I applaud your bravery and transparency here.

    You are beautiful.

    • Thanks, dear :) You’re too kind. I agree; people tend to thing something is a bit off with single people these days, especially those in their twenties. But I’m not in a place to have a relationship right now, so I’m not going to have one simply for the sake of having one. That won’t be sustainable or a good foundation. When the time is right, I’ll look forward to sharing my life with a good man. Until then, I’m happy to be alone.

      Cassi

  2. I loved this post, mostly because I relate to it. I mean, I’ve dated… But it doesn’t seem to work for me. And the part about family? Hahahahaha! The truest thoughts of my heart. Being the oldest of 10 mostly opinionated siblings (yes, even down to the 4 year old) and having an atmosphere that’s a cross between “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” and “Cheaper By The Dozen”, it’s going to take a miracle cross between Captain America and Iron Man to want to marry me. (and if he could look like Thor, please?)

    Great post, my friend! Cheri-O!

  3. YES! YES! YES! Exactly what the world needs to hear! I get a lot of heat because of all my friends, I’m the only one who’s never dated a guy, never held a guy’s hand, never kissed a guy, etc. And I’m completely okay with that. There have been guys I have been interested in, but I choose not to pursue them because I believe it is the man’s role to pursue the woman and if he’s not going to pursue me, it’s not God’s will. I will wait for the guy who pursues me and makes me feel like entering a relationship with him is safe. Relationships and feelings scare the crap out of me because I don’t want to get hurt, but I know that I’ll know who God has called me to be with when everything falls into place. I’ll be in a better state spiritually and emotionally; he’ll be a man who can lead me and who makes me feel safe.

    • I’m terrified of getting hurt, too. I think many people are. But I do believe that at some point, we have to take a risk to have anything worth having. And one day, I’ll find a guy I want to take that risk with. But for now? I wait, sometimes impatiently, but I wait nonetheless. And I’m happy with my life now. I don’t feel like I’m missing out :)

      Cassi

  4. I really enjoyed reading this, Cassi. And believe me when I say I know Exactly. What. You. Are. Talking. About. I am 22 & have never dated, though most find that more than a bit odd. But everyone I was interested in, didn’t return the feeling, or if they did, I was the one who pushed them away due to much of the same reasons you described. But I am who I am & don’t wish to settle for the sake of having a boyfriend. Keep being you, girl…you have a way with words (:

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