The truth is my relationship with God is a mess. It usually is, much to my frustration and His dismay, I’m sure. I’m often left feeling ashamed at the state of my faith. It’s weak and broken. It’s not worthy of a God who offers love, grace, and compassion unconditionally. But that’s the irony, I suppose. He is there even when I don’t care acknowledge Him. He has more faith in me than I have in Him. Or myself.
It’s hard to talk about our weaknesses, to admit our failures. It’s hard to turn the mirror on ourselves and be self-critical. We don’t like to see the things we could improve, because that means making a change, taking action. It means doing something that makes us uncomfortable.
But often, we aren’t really given a choice. We come to a place in our lives where we can’t move forward in life without recognizing something has to give. To continue on in this way would be self-destructive. Yet we dig ourselves a deeper hole and convince ourselves we have to accept the darkness. There is no way out.
Only there is. Always. If you reach towards the light.
My relationship with God has always seemed like that dark hole. I feel, as the years go on, that instead of getting easier, my faith only gets harder. Each year leads me farther into the darkness. Each year takes me farther away from Him. But it’s come to a point where there needs to be a change, any change. I can’t continue with my relationship with Christ, my faith in Him as it is today. I need to be better. I know I can do better.
There’s no reason for my lack of faith. At least not one I could tangibly pinpoint. I didn’t endure a hardship that left me doubting, a death that made me angry. I didn’t have my heart broken or life ripped apart, with God being the only place to lay the blame.
No, the blame lies with myself. The abyss that separates me from my Father is in my own imagination. But it seems so very real.
I’ve made many mistakes over the years. I’ve made questionable choices, and I’ve done them twice. I’ve fallen into sin, and I haven’t always felt remorse. I think things no good Christian girl should think. I struggle every day with a darkness inside me. There is bad in me. Most days, I’m far from good.
God couldn’t possibly love a sinner like me.
God couldn’t possibly forgive me.
God couldn’t possibly show me grace and mercy.
I simply don’t deserve it.
But that’s not my choice – who God loves and forgives. It’s not my choice who He showers in grace and comfort. It’s not my choice.
Yet I’m afraid that one day, God will choose to reject me. I’m afraid He’ll see my sin and see my heart, and turn His back. I’m afraid that one day when I need Him most, He’ll be too ashamed of me to hold me close. I’ll be too tainted to deserve His love.
I fear God’s rejection.
And deep down, I know this fear is irrational. I know that God would never shame me or abandon me. I believe that He loves me. But I don’t always trust Him. The fear looms large in my life, limiting me and holding me back. Because if I can’t put my faith in my loving Father, who can I trust? What’s left?
I am my own worst enemy. It took me years to realize, to truly see how much my fear has poisoned my heart and darkened my soul. My fear has hindered the one relationship that is worth pursuing. I’ve fallen so far, but never too far. Never outside God’s love or grace. I’ve never fallen beyond where He waits for me.
Because He always waits.
He always wants me.
He always loves me.
He always welcomes me back.
He always welcomes you back.
God will never reject us. He loves us and has patience beyond anything we can understand. He will wait for us to bring Him our sorrows and fears, the temptations we struggle with, the addictions we hold to fiercely. He will wait for us to realize our fears our groundless, figments of our human imagination. And when we are ready, He will bestow peace and grace upon our weary souls. When we finally come out of hiding, He will forgive what we bring before Him and give us a new future full of hope.
He will forever remind us that He will never reject us, that we can have faith in Him and trust that He will see us through whatever life throws our way. We need only to let go of the fear.
I can’t go forward without a change. The fear has filled my bones and weighed me down, and I deserve a better life, a happier one. One filled with the joy that comes from being loved by a God who never leaves me or forsakes me. God can heal my every scar, take away my worries, and wash clean my sins. He can take away my fear.
I need only to have faith that He will.
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