You mean well, friends with significant others, you mean well. You’re trying. You want us to share Christmas with someone who thinks we’re just as special as your boyfriend/wife/partner thinks you are. You just want us to be happy. And we want that, too! We’d like to have someone to buy presents for, go on a romantic carriage ride with on a lovely winter evening, and bring home to meet our family. That would make my year, honestly.
But with December a few short days away, the chance of finding the one true love of my life by December 25 is right up there with it snowing in hell. Probably not gonna happen without divine intervention. There’s no need for you to fill my mind with false hope and clichés when all I need is some snow, warm blankets, and a cheesy Hallmark Christmas movie to put a smile on my face.
So feel free to avoid saying the following unless you want us to imagine ten creative ways to murder you. (Kidding, people. Kidding.)
1. “Maybe Santa will bring you a boyfriend/girlfriend!”
Yeah, and maybe he’ll make it snow in the Sahara desert. We singles might give you the obligatory/strained laugh at your “clever” joke, but let’s be honest – if Santa was in the business of boyfriends and girlfriends, all the girls would have a Ryan Gosling in the their stockings and the guys would have Emma Stone wrapped up under their trees. Last time I checked, Santa doesn’t exist once you pass the age of six. So the likelihood of me writing a letter to Santa or sitting on his lap to ask for him to pretty please bring me the love of my life for Christmas is minimal. The chance of him fulfilling my wish is even less.
And even if I did ask Santa for a holiday fling, I wouldn’t tell you about it.
2. “Do you think match.com or eHarmony or ChristianMingle has a holiday special?”
Cue me rolling my eyes. First of all, if any of these sites have a holiday special (“We’ll help you find the love of your life in time for a New Year’s kiss!” or “Sign up with a single friend and get half off your subscription!”), we wouldn’t know. We avoid these sites like the plague, because does anyone actually take them seriously?
Second, if you sign up your single friend for one of these sites (or, heaven forbid, multiple) for a Christmas present, you may as well just hand them a bottle of vodka, ten pounds of chocolate, and a snuggie, because they are about to fall into a “why doesn’t anyone love me?!” wormhole that not even Love Actually or Sleepless in Seattle can bring us back from. You’ve been warned.
Third, we prefer cash.
3. “I hung A LOT of mistletoe around the house this year.”
Actually, this is acceptable. Nothing better than a traditional holiday kiss. Innocent Christmas fun, right? Really, any physical contact is welcomed at this point. Plus, there’s the added fun of trying to…trap? corner? force? surprise? a guy or girl with a mistletoe kiss. But if you’re going to hang mistletoe with the intention of helping your single friends get some action, make sure you invite attractive single ladies and gentlemen to help them take advantage of it. Otherwise, you’re just setting us up to get murdered in a jealous rage to the tune of “ho ho ho.”
4. “I have this cousin/brother-in-law/sister-in-law/friend of a friend of a friend who doesn’t have a date to his office Christmas party.”
No. Just…no. The people you are trying to set us singles up with during the holiday season are the people you don’t trot out during the rest of the year when you suggest blind dates or double dates, because you know there is something a little…off about these people. They are maybe just a tad beyond desperate. And we single people may be a lot of things around Christmas, but we’d rather not be thought of as desperate. (Not by others, at least…)
Also, office Christmas parties are the worst. They are awkward and boring usually end with some drunk person coming on to you in a rather unflattering way, and that just isn’t fun for anyone. Be good friend and don’t subject us to that.
5. “There’s always next year.”
True. But that’s what you told us last year. And the year before that. It’s an empty promise, and if you can’t guarantee something (like Robert Downey, Jr. falling desperately in love with me) don’t feel like you have to say it. It’s not particularly comforting, and we’d rather just discuss the horrors of our family Christmas or the latest football game stats or how could Channing Tatum possibly be the sexiest man alive?! rather than the odds we’ll have a boyfriend/girlfriend 365 days from now. We may appreciate the sympathy on some level, but on another level, we’d rather just ignore the whole thing completely.
There you have it! A few things us lovely single people would rather not hear during the holiday season. Honestly, instead of bemoaning our single status and have it constantly pointed out, we’d rather just go out and have fun. Take a trip downtown for coffee, get drinks on the weekend, have a movie night, watch the game – anything but being forever reminded that we’re spending the holidays sans significant other. We go to bed alone every night. We’re aware. Let’s spread some holiday cheer, and maybe cover all major buildings in mistletoe… (Not kidding.)
Thank you for reading! And maybe (definitely) follow me on Twitter. I’m pretty entertaining.