From the heart of a single woman.

I’ve been single my whole life. All twenty-four and a half years. A small part of me thinks it would be fun to hold out until I’m 25, just to say I was single for a quarter of a century. Because that’s what I do with my singleness – I make it a joke. I have to, because somewhere along the way, it started to hurt. There was a period during college when I said I didn’t want to ever get married, convincing myself that it would hurt less if I didn’t want something I was sure I could never have.

Now I can laugh it off more easily. I can smile at the spinster jokes, chuckle at the insinuations that I’ll be the fun aunt instead of the cool mom. I’ve become better about not caring, because otherwise I care too much.

You never want to believe that your self esteem or worth is tied to people outside of yourself. You don’t want to accept that you see yourself the way others see you. But we can’t always ignore those thoughts, the hints that maybe you are less, that you are missing something, that you are defective, unlovable, or broken.

Sometimes it seems that it must be true, because no one has ever taken the time to tell you otherwise. No one has put in the effort to make you feel like you mean something, that you are worthwhile, that you are absolutely wonderful.

It hurts, more than I ever believed it would, to always be the woman no one notices. It leaves me in a state of disarray to know no man has ever thought I was worth the effort. It breaks a piece of my heart when I think that I’ve never experienced love, real true desperate passionate love. It brings tears to my eyes and an ache to my soul.

Because I want that. Just once. I believe I was created for it. I know I’m worth it. But it isn’t always easy trying to pretend that being without that love is the way I imagined my life going. No matter how many people say I’m a lovely person, a good catch, or worth the wait, it doesn’t change the loneliness. It doesn’t soothe my heart. It doesn’t undo every time a man I cared about looked past me as if I was nothing. It doesn’t erase the hollowness in my heart.

But I’m told I shouldn’t feel empty or lonely. I shouldn’t feel unloved or broken. I shouldn’t feel any of those things, because I believe in a God who offers Himself to me to fill the empty spaces. I shouldn’t look beyond Him for anything. He is enough for me. He is all I need. He is my purpose in life. And I believe this. I do. But still, isn’t there something else?

I was created to love. I was born to love. I was imagined by a God of love, and He planted that desire within me. I have a heart I long to share. I have a beauty I long to unveil. I have a soul that longs for its match.

But I’m told I shouldn’t need that. I’m told not everyone finds their love. I’m told that maybe I’m exception to the rule. I’m told maybe my life was meant for something else. Maybe if I loved God more, obeyed Him more, believed in Him more things would be different.

I’m left feeling heartbroken.

Because it hurts when I’m told that maybe I won’t find what my friends and family have. It hurts when my loved ones look at me at think I’m destined to be forever single. It hurts when the people I care about deeply consider maybe I’m not worth the love they’ve found. I’m left feeling bereft, distraught, and slightly angered.

To my fellow single ladies and gentlemen,
I feel for you. I see you. I understand you. My heart aches for you perhaps even more than it aches for myself. I know what it means to feel unwanted, unloved, and unworthy. I know the emptiness that grows steadily with each passing day, and I know the longing you have to fill it. And I know that nothing I say, nothing your friends say, nothing your family says will undo the hurt you feel. I can’t take away your loneliness.
So instead of saying you can’t feel this way, I’ll say you are allowed to. You are allowed to feel broken. You are allowed to be upset. You are allowed to be confused, angry, and lost. You have a right to every feeling in your heart; every emotion in your soul.
But don’t let them paralyze you. Don’t let your feelings change you into something you’re not. Don’t let them destroy your spirit or shut out your hope or take control. Don’t let them tell you that you aren’t worthy of love. Because you are. Always. You are worthy of a great, unfathomable love. You are worthy of a love you can’t even imagine.
And you will find it. At just the right moment, exactly when you’re ready, that love will find you.

To the lovely friends of us single ladies and gentlemen,
We love you. Truly. And we are so very happy for you. You deserve the love you’ve found. You are worthy of every happy moment. We are glad that you’ve found happiness. We wouldn’t wish it any other way.
But I ask you to remember when you were single. When you had, perhaps, lost hope. When you felt as if you would never be able to experience the love you saw those around you experiencing. I ask you to recall how you felt when your chance at love didn’t work out, when you felt heartbroken and unworthy.
We feel those same things. We hurt as you once did. And the advice you heard, the suggestions that you look to God’s love instead of focusing on finding a man or woman to make you happy, is just as frustrating for us as it was for you. Instead of suggesting we ignore that part of our heart, encourage us with love. Offer us hope and prayer. Make us smile and laugh. Love us when we aren’t that sure we love ourselves.

And to both the gorgeous single men and women, and the lovely attached friends who tolerate us, remember that God does not need our love. He is a self sufficient, all powerful, supernatural God. And yet He wants our love. He desires it. He revels in it when we give Him our love. He is beyond worthy of our love. As His children and His own creation, isn’t it natural we should desire the same?

Thank you for reading! And maybe (definitely) follow me on Twitter?

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16 thoughts on “From the heart of a single woman.

  1. I respect and admire your honesty and your patience. You could have had a boyfriend, I believe, but you’re not settling. Anyone can get a boy but it’s harder to get a man; an honourable and special man.

    Your day will come and you will wonder what you ever worried about. I know that’s hard to believe now when it seems so far off or non-existent. And I don’t mean to be condescending in the slightest; after all I’m right there with you.

    When I was a teenager I had a very close friend who was 9 years older than me and spent the first half of her twenties worrying that she would never meet anyone. That was hard to watch as a young and starry eyed romantic girl. Then she met her man when she was 25 and got engaged on her 26th birthday, after no boyfriends ever.

    She said to me recently that she wished she hadn’t fretted so much because it was premature. I took her words to heart and decided I would learn from them.

    I don’t think your singleness is funny. Enjoy it but don’t make a joke of yourself! It can’t be good for your self-esteem! You are dateable Cassi, remember that.

    • You are too sweet :) Thank you very much for the encouragement, Micaela. I truly appreciate it. Truth is, your friend is right – there is no need to fret. I’m slowly learning how.
      And you are right – making myself into a joke is far from helpful :) Truer words and all that.
      Thank you for the kind words, dear.

      Cassi

  2. I’ve told you before how much I appreciate your honest writing, and yet again, this is no different. From friends being married and having kids, to realizing that your kids won’t grow up with your friends kids, and many minor realizations that come during the “single zone” can seem just CRUSHING. It’s hard, ugly, heartbreaking, and just plain difficult, but I’m glad you’re writing from that place to us who are in that place, and It’s very obvious that you get it. Trying to avoid the clique phrases often told to single people, but as you know, God has his timing and it’s perfect. Once again, thank you for your honesty and willingness to be vulnerable so that others can be encouraged. Stay strong! :)

  3. As one who is in the same boat (but about a year farther into it), this was extremely encouraging to me! Thank you for writing from the heart of Jesus :)

  4. Hi Cassi,

    Your pain touched my heart. You are such a dear, sweet girl. Your sincerity, honesty and compassion for others is so moving to behold. Thank you for sharing your story with me. Your experience reminded me of the journeys of so many other women I have met in my life, some of which are now in their early thirties and still never having had a husband, a boyfriend even. Don’t ever think you are alone.

    In this day and age, for many reasons, women are less likely to pair up than ever before. These include the effects of the sexual revolution, which created an overly sexualized “hookup culture” extremely hostile to women’s interests. It hurt me so much to see you assuming that your single status was due to some intrinsically “undesirable” quality in yourself. If you knew how many women – and MEN! – are in their early twenties, mid twenties, mid thirties, and are not only unmarried, but have never even had a boyfriend, you would be stunned into silence. These include men and women who are desirable by any metric. I know a woman, a former model and businesswoman, a good Christian with a sparkling personality who radiates charisma. She is 32 and has had no relationships with men other than a string of short-term dating experiences lasting a couple of months apiece. Really, in my own personal circle, many of the women I know are unmarried.

    First of all, no man or woman is undesirable. Please understand that. For inspiration, please YouTube Nick Vujicic. He is a man who was born with no arms and no legs. He overcame severe depression to earn a double degree, become one of the most dynamic and impassioned preachers I’ve ever seen, and marry a drop-dead-gorgeous actress with two arms and two legs. Oh, and by the way, he is one of the most charismatic, positive, and attractive men I’ve ever seen on camera. YouTube his Dateline (I think it’s Dateline) interview, one of his sermons, and his wedding video. I’ve personally met short men, fat women, mutilated women, who are some of the sexiest people and the most successful with the opposite sex that I know. I hung out with one obese woman who men actually used to follow down the street, begging for her number!

    I am not making this up.

    You are not intrinsically undesirable. You are just unlucky, for reasons unknown. It may be that our hookup culture has just left you out to sea. It may be that you are lacking confidence, or self-esteem, or other personal qualities that make one attractive to the opposite sex and are easily remediable. It may be that you are in the wrong social circles for your talents and temperaments. From your photo, you look unusually intelligent (and attractive!). You may be hanging around people who don’t appreciate your unique gifts. Perhaps if you spent more time around people like yourself, you would be more likely to meet a kindred suitor. Or perhaps God has specific plans for you. I have personally observed that in my Christian circles, the women tend to get married around 30 years of age. So I was actually kind of surprised that you were so despondent at 25. You’re a spring chicken in my book! In my opinion, you have so much time.

    That’s my biggest observation for you. Really, I was so surprised to read that you were so upset about not being married at 25. You should be enjoying your life right now. Your single twenties should be the most freeing time of your life, time to indulge every passion and instinct you have, from taking a 2-week watercolor workshop in Tuscany to moving to Los Angeles and trying your hand at acting to redecorating your apartment with a jungle motif to eating almond croissants for breakfast every day for a month. Do whatever the heck you feel like doing, unashamedly. If you want to work at K-Mart and watch the sun set over the river every night for a year, do that. You’ll never have the chance to do it again. Once you marry and have kids, you’ll have to get a real job or baby-sit the kids 24-7 for 18 years.

    There’s nothing wrong with you. There’s nothing wrong with anybody. As a Christian, you have an advantage in understanding that and, thus, an advantage in freeing yourself from these crippling insecurities, these insecurities which torture single women everywhere (yes, you’re not the only one) and keep them from going to Tuscany. Do what God wants you to do and have faith that you are His child and equal to anyone. Then go to Tuscany and have a great time, knowing in faith that you are beautiful in his eyes and will be beautiful in the eyes of your future spouse. Don’t let Satan rob you of your twenties. Go with God, and freaking rock it.

    The Satisfied Single
    thesatisfiedsingle.blogspot.com

    • I’m not usually so despondent about the whole being single thing :) Most days, it doesn’t bother me in the slightest. I love that I can do so many things and just enjoy myself. I’ve been able to move to a few places because of it, and I’m glad I had those experiences. But some days, I do wish there was someone with me to share those experiences with. It’s about finding a balance- wanting to find a guy, but still being completely content with the life I have. I’m slowly figuring it out.
      Thank you very much for reading!

      Cassi

      • I’m glad to read that you’re not as upset about being single as I originally assumed you were. I have met many women who truly struggle with their single status, and I always encourage them to go out and make the most of their opportunities. I assumed you were one of those women, and I’m so glad I was wrong. Keep rocking your house, and I wish you the very best.

  5. Cassi, I totally just stumbled across this blog post and I’m super glad that I did. I love how beautiful and vulnerable this post is. Because even without perusing the rest of your blog (which I will be doing shortly), I can tell that you’re the kind of girl who has her head on straight. You know what is truly important and that you are more than a relationship status. But you still struggle. We all do. We all have those days where we look at the heavens and say, “God, am I desirable?” (And, yes, perhaps the question was prompted by a certain guy.) But I think what we all need is permission to be vulnerable. Permission to say, “You know what? This singleness thing really stinks sometimes.” Permission to be perfectly honest in a world where we always say we’re doing fine even though we’re crumbling on the inside. Thanks for reminding me that it’s okay to have those days… and that we’re all strong enough to move past them.

    • You’re very sweet :) And I completely agree. Sometimes you just need to sit down and be able to say that being single is kind of crappy. It’s not always fun. And as long as we counter those days with more good days, with days when we simply enjoy life for the amazing gift it is without letting the frustration take over, I think we’ll be okay.
      I’m glad you’ve enjoyed my stuff so far! Thanks for reading.

      Cassi

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