June 21, 2012 – A Poem (by Allie Clerget)

When all I see
is the black shapeless
world in front of me, that
is when I knew.
I had hit rock bottom
Sank to a low I knew
I could only go up from here.

As I peeled myself
up off the ground and
purged all the sin I had
drank in since I fell,
I tried to make the
pain go away.
Extricate it from my body
and sew the torn edges
together…
Become one again.
But as I walked
throughout those lonely, bleak
days
only the dark abyss of the
bottom of a bottle could
ease the chaos in
my soul.
The battles and hatred and
disgust with all
that I had become.

Every time I would
rouse from my drunken
sleepless slumber I would
find my way to a mirror
and search
somehow trying to find a
new person.
But the reflective glass only
showed
the ugly, scarred girl that
would forever
try and become anew.
And as the reflection would
stare back at me
the eyes would pierce the
brokenness and my
wounds reopen
I would feel again
all that I had done, thought,
seen
the sea of regret I was
sinking in
I could never get away from
that mirror
The resentment I felt
toward the girl I saw
would grow more and more
until all that it was,
was hate.
I would try and drink
away all that I
was and all that I would
never be
still the bottom of a bottle
and the unconsciousness
never would cover
how I felt.

My world had fully
collapsed.
Nothing.
I was nothing.
I had nothing.
There was only my empty being
moving throughout the world
numb.
dead to the world.
I wasn’t alive any longer.

As I came to one morning,
groggy and not fully awake
I heard something in the distance
that sounded like
“How He loves us…”
And I awoke to that song
hearing it between
my sobs, because I knew
He was speaking to me.
My father loved me for who I
was.
He showered grace and forgiveness
over me.
He fully knew who I was and
all I had done
and said
yet he loved me even more.
He loved me from when I was
created
He love me through my success
He loved me while I fell into
my dark abyss
He loved me while I sank even
lower
And He loved me when I declared
that He is my Savior and
I believe with my whole
heart he died for me.
While I am saved. When I
fail, because perfection
is impossible.
He loves and forgives me
then as well.

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