The art of not being high maintenance.

There are a lot of words we ladies DO NOT like to be called. Swear words aside… there are a few that have to power to absolutely crush a woman’s spirit. These words also cause a woman to become a bit unlike herself. So guys, if you call a woman clingy, needy, or high maintenance, know that you definitely have hit a nerve. The man in our life says those things to us and we freeze. We convince ourselves that they must be wrong; we aren’t one of those girls.

Guys, you know the ones we’re talking about. They fill up your voicemail inbox, send you a text every half hour, stalk you on Facebook and comment on every status and photo you post with a “hey baby, I miss you!” just so you know they were there. The ones who disrupt guys’ night, give you a detailed list of what to buy them for their birthday (and where to find it), and demand you accompany them to every family event or there are going to give you the silent treatment (which would be great, only the silent treatment is actually code for bad-mouthing you on every social networking site and sending you hate mail). If you’re really lucky, the girl tracks your location with her iPhone and has a hidden GPS device on your car.

Kind of terrifying, those girls.

But we’re not all like that. In fact, many of us aren’t. I know quite a few women who don’t feel the need to keep constant tabs on their boyfriend, can go a day without texting him, and respects guys’ night and can laugh at the stupid stories we hear about it afterwards.

Still, we like to spend time with our guy. We like to call and hear his voice. We like to be picked up for dinner. We like to know how he spent his day, if anything important happened. We like to know we’re special to the man we think is special.

It’s a fine line, the line between just wanting to share your life with your significant other and becoming high maintenance. No girl wants to cross that line. We don’t want to seem desperate, clingy, and in need of constant attention. It’s not a flattering place to be. We live in fear of somehow unknowingly turning into one of those girls. The result is we begin to overanalyze, overthink, and before we know it, we are so far over the line we have our own zip code.

I wish there was some magical piece of wisdom I could impart to the ladies, some unheard of secret to avoid turning into the one thing that makes us cringe. It isn’t that easy or simple. But I’ve come up with a couple things that might be important to remember when you find yourself skirting that line, both of which come back to the issue of trust.

1. Ladies, you need to have faith in yourselves. You are a beautiful, talented creation of God. You have something to offer; you are worth it. This is easier said than done. Every woman is plagued with her own set of insecurities. We carry them around with us like an accessory- hating them but somehow being used to them, like that purse or bracelet we can’t seem to get rid of. We use our insecurities as a scapegoat, something that can take the blame when a relationship starts to escape our grasp. A guy doesn’t call or text when he said he would? He must think we’re dull and uninteresting. A hot girl comments on your boyfriend’s status or tweets? He probably secretly has a crush on her because who wouldn’t want someone who looks like a model.

We let our insecurities get in the way of what our relationship can be. As a woman with my own baggage, I know how hard it is to ignore those doubts and live in the moment. But we are good women and deserve to be in a happy, loving relationship with a guy who thinks we’re kind of amazing. But we need to trust that we are worthy; that we are allowed to be happy.

2. We also need to learn to trust the guy we’re with. I’m not sure which of these two things is more difficult., but they are equally important. Ladies, if a guy puts in the effort to talk to you, get to know you, spend time with you, then he obviously has some level of interest in you. If he asks you out, he’s putting himself out there and making an effort to build a relationship with you. If he tells you he cares about you, enjoys your company, or compliments you, he means it. We have a tendency to second guess, to assume the worst. Our mind takes us to a dark place best left undisturbed. There comes a point when you have to trust that he likes you, or perhaps loves you if things have progressed to that point. Just because he doesn’t call back right away or wants some time with the guys does not mean he’s uninterested or cheating. Don’t turn your fears into a real-life Lifetime movie.

Granted, there are guys out there who will treat women badly. They will use a woman’s insecurities to manipulate her or abuse her trust, so he can get what he wants out of a relationship. But we can’t judge every guy by that standard. While we have to be cautious with our heart, guarding it against those who would take advantage, we also have to be willing to let someone in. We have to have faith in the men in our lives. Otherwise we miss our on the beauty and love to be found in a committed relationship based on trust and mutual respect.


Both of these points were mostly meant for my women readers, so here’s something for the gentlemen: I know you guys have your own insecurities and fears when it comes to relationships. We are all human after all. But be patient and considerate with us. Know that when you say you are going to call, we are ecstatic. Know that when we text to ask what you’re doing, we are genuinely interested in what you’ve been up to. Know that we also fear rejection and not measuring up, and the moment you say we’re clingy, needy, or high maintenance when it’s not completely warranted, we are heartbroken.

And to both the men and women: know that trust and open communication work better than blocking calls and throwing around insults or insinuations. Know that we all have our own baggage and personal hang ups. But if we let those things take over, then we miss out. So sit back and enjoy the moment, and the story they will turn into.

Thank you for reading! Feel free to let me know what you think. And maybe follow me on Twitter?


3 thoughts on “The art of not being high maintenance.

  1. Really enjoying your posts! My only slight concern is for your second point to women…compliments and spending time with someone doesn’t exactly mean that He is sincere. I WISH it was that way, but I know from personal experience that I have been less than upfront with young ladies and have said things I didn’t mean. (That ALWAYS goes terrible and is never a good idea) Now, I’m a work in progress and have matured a bit since those days…but I see it all around me in other guys. I’m not advocating distrust, but maybe wait for better evidence of interest, because unfortunately, talk alone is cheap. Just thought i’d offer another way to look at it…from a guys point of view…

    • I agree, talk alone doesn’t necessarily indicate the type of interest a girl might be hoping for. As I do mention, there are guys who will manipulate a woman by using her for what he wants and telling her what he thinks she wants to hear. It’s a sad truth. But a girl can’t go into every single relationship with a guy assuming he’s going to treat her badly either. She should most definitely be cautious with her feelings and her heart, but asking a woman to assume the worst is going to take her mind to places best left untouched. There comes a point when we have to trust that a guy means what he says and is acting accordingly. So while spending time and compliments by themselves, I agree, isn’t enough, they are a part of a larger picture.

      Thanks for reading and for your thoughts! It’s good to hear a different perspective.

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