Sex and the Christian Woman

I’ve begun, deleted, walked away, and come back to this post for weeks. I’ve changed the title, purpose, and even audience for this post more times than I can count. I can never figure out where to start. And maybe there isn’t really any good or easy place to begin such a topic. I was talking yesterday with my sister about what I was going to write on for my next post.

“I’m going to write about sex,” I finally decided.

“You can’t write about sex,” my sister says. “You’ve never had sex, so there isn’t much you can say about it.”

Thought 1: Challenge accepted.

Thought 2: If only that were true.

She’s right, I have never had sex. I am, after all, the good Christian girl. As such, I’m not supposed to think about sex, want sex, imagine sex, crave sex, or exude sex. Sex is off limits, a sin, a perilous path paved with lust, desire, shame, and guilt. Sex is evil. Sex is fraught with heartbreak and disappointment and the possibility of an unplanned pregnancy.

Until you get married. Then sex is the embodiment of love, the coming together of a man and woman’s soul. Sex is a gift from God, absolutely beautiful. Sex is allowed, expected, the physical expression of an emotional communion. Sex is passionate, mind-blowing, positively amazing. Sex births life.

… Thank you so much, Church, for clearing that up.

As a young, unmarried, single woman, my relationship with sex is the definition of “it’s complicated.” I just don’t know what to do with it. My sexuality is even more foreign to me. I’ve never been taught how to deal with it. Everything about my passions, desires, and cravings have been locked up in the recesses of my occasionally lustful mind, because that seems to be the only place for them.

And if I do let them out, if I cavort about with those thoughts and feelings, I immediately feel guilty and ashamed. I gave in. I let my body rule my mind and heart; I let sin win. And then I feel dirty, tainted, and no amount of prayer and apology can wipe that away.

The Church has adopted an approach to men, women, and sex reminiscent of Paul. Single people should stay single… unless they don’t have self-control… then they should just get married, because it’s better to get married than to “burn with passion/lust” (depending on the translation).

Such excellent coping skills.

But sexual sin as the Church sees it has been handed over to men. Men struggle with lustful thoughts, with premarital and extramarital sex, with pornography, with sex addiction. Men are slaves to their testosterone, libido, base physical desires, and masculine drive to conquer something. The Church expects those sins from men.

Women, however, are seen as the moralizing force between men and their lustful wanderings. Women are good, pure, and virtuous, and we are told it is our responsibility and burden to counter the bad in men. I think the Church kind of hopes our goodness will just rub off on the guys. (Not inappropriately, come on people.)

We are told that women, good Christian women, don’t struggle with sex the way men do. We weren’t created that way. Women are made into some sort of Wonder Woman who bounces impure thoughts and sexual desire off her magic alien silver bracelets, living to fight another day. We are impervious, set apart, above the animalistic drive that is sex and our feminine libido, slaves instead to our need for emotional intimacy.

And yet we watch movies like Magic Mike, sighing (and hopefully not drooling) over the sight of perfectly toned men dancing around on stage looking pretty freaking hot. We watch television shows like True Blood, convincing ourselves the sex is integral to the storyline, and it’s a crime for anyone to look as gorgeous at Alex Skarsgaard. We read books like 50 Shades of Grey, because we have to know how ridiculous the story is, pretending the various and excessive sex scenes don’t play around in our minds. We pick up Cosmo magazine for sex tips. We watch porn in secret, whether as a means of coping with loneliness or as a part of a stronger addiction.

We may be good Christian women, but we are in denial.

The Church has told us we shouldn’t have any of these desires, but not because they are wrong, but because we are women. So we convince ourselves that we aren’t subject to lust, sexual sin, and all the baggage that comes with it. We live in denial, confusion, and frustration. We have to shove it into some secret, dark, shameful compartment, because that is the only way we can continue to function in the Christian community and society we live in.

To say that women, Christian or not, are lacking in sexual impulse comparable to men is a gross understatement. It is naïve and quite frankly destructive. And I can say this because I am a Christian woman who disproves the lie. I think about sex. I get turned on. I crave physical intimacy, even if it’s just a means of ending the loneliness. There are days when it’s almost crippling in its insistence that I recognize it, give it the attention it wants. I hate those days. Nothing makes me feel less Christian than when I can’t stop my mind from wandering and fantasizing. Nothing makes me feel more like a whore than being a virgin with sex on the brain.

When you’re told you shouldn’t have thoughts you’re having, what’s the first thing you do? You keep it to yourself. You hide it, lock it away, and try to forget about them. When parents, friends, youth leaders, mentors, or pastors ask if there is anything you’re struggling with, you shake your head. No, you try to convince yourself. No, you don’t have any weaknesses. No, you’re doing fine.

So here is my confession: sex is probably my greatness weakness, the thing I struggle with most. I have to actively work to not dwell on such things. Watching movies like Magic Mike and reading books like 50 Shades only makes it worse, and sometimes I can’t say no (I have seen and read both). But the worst part? Feeling as if I was the only one struggling with all this pent up sexual frustration, and having no one to just sit with and express my feelings and concerns, explain what I’m dealing with, and find support. The worst part is feeling alone in these situations and being told I shouldn’t be feeling them at all.

On top of the burden of goodness and the burden of our apparently existent libido, women have taken on the burden of silence. We live in a mess of denial, guilt, and shame swirling around our traitorous sexuality. We don’t know what the hell we’re supposed to do with it. So we try to cover it up, hide it, and forget it under a mask of modesty, chastity, and spirituality. We keep quiet.

God can’t help us with our struggles or burdens if we don’t admit we have them. God can’t take them from us, fight them for us and with us, if we refuse to acknowledge they exist. And God knows what we struggle with. Besides the fact that He’s God and just knows everything, He created us. He gave us our sexuality. It’s a mistake to believe that everything about your sexuality and your desires is sinful. Lust, what we allow our wonderings and imaginings to turn into, is a sin. It comes down whether we let those thoughts control us, or if we face them head on. But the moment we try to ignore them, we give them power over us, over our heart and peace of mind.

God also gave us a choice: suffer under the sin, or find peace and forgiveness in His loving embrace. Ladies, we can try to live up to a false ideal of what a Christian woman should be, or we can recognize that we aren’t all that perfect, we have improper thoughts, and we no longer want to live in shame. We can admit to ourselves that we are sexual beings who have issues with lust. We can give it all over to God as He helps us sort out the rest.

And we can go to our friends, mentors, leaders in the church and talk through our frustrations and find support. Christians and the Church need to finally acknowledge that sexual sin, struggle, and addiction are not limited to men. Women are just as susceptible. The Church needs to be a safe place for men and women alike to come with their frustrations. The Church may not have all the answers, but they need to allow the questions. We need to stop pretending that the best method of dealing with sex is to simply not talk about it. We need to stop ignoring it. We need to let go of the shame and realize we aren’t alone.

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Feel free to let me know what you think. I’m always around if you just need to talk.

160 thoughts on “Sex and the Christian Woman

  1. As a male, I wasn’t aware that the church left women feeling they weren’t allowed to have problems with lust. I’m sorry that’s the case. Men do, as a generality, interact with sex differently, but lust is a human issue not really a gender issue. At its root, it’s merely wanting something God hasn’t given us, a common thread in more sins than just that one. We want to fulfill our desires in our way and our timing without God’s limitations, and that goes all the way back to Eden. We want to be in control, in that decision and many others.

    • I agree, lust is a human condition, not limited to gender. But even though men and women interact with sex differently, that doesn’t mean women interact/struggle with it less than men. Men and women are both sexual beings, and the Church needs to acknowledge that both sexes are subject to the same level of sexual struggle.
      Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. That means a lot!

  2. Amen. Thank you, thank you, thank you!! My sexuality has caused me so much shame and confusion in the past- I’m so grateful for new voices like yours that are helping me to learn, grow, and leave that guilt behind.

  3. I feel like this post was written by me word for word. You basically just wrote out my life story. It wasn’t until I got into the ministry this past year that I have really seen how many women and young ladies struggle with this innate desire they have for sex but don’t know where to go or what to do because they really shouldn’t even be thinking about it, as they were always told. I surely didn’t. As a virgin now at the age of 24, anytime I mentioned sex everyone automatically assumed I had “given it up” while I was gone away to college and that I was secretly sinning and going crazy, all because I MENTIONED some of the thoughts I struggle with. I will still remain a virgin until I’m married but that doesn’t mean my mind and thoughts can shut them self off. My prayer is that this is definitely something that we as a Church and as Christian women can learn to discuss so our cousins, nieces, daughters and grand daughters won’t have to worry themselves with the same guilt we did. Thank you for this honest and open post which can hopefully help women to know their worth and that they are NORMAL. Thank you again :) I loved it!

    • I’ve totally dealt with that. I hate that talking with sex is easier with my non-Christian friends than with my Christian friends. The moment you bring it up, everyone shuts down, and that doesn’t help anyone.

      Thank you for reading!!!

      • Thanks So much for writing this blog post Cassi. I think this is spot on. How can we ever encourage Christian men and women to live a healthy and appropriate romantic and sexual life that God intended when we either ignore or demonize the role and, dare I say, power of sexuality? It’s effected me and unfortunately it is true; I can discuss some of these issues more with my friends (who mostly aren’t Christian) yet I still feel like I can’t really discuss it with them because they don’t understand my struggles. For example, they don’t feel held to any obligation to avoid sexual intimacy before marriage so they can’t really understand my problems. On the other hand, some Christian women act like you are a creep if you even hint towards sexuality. It’s just tough.

  4. as a young single female….great post everything you said is soo true…Thank you for writing this…you’re not alone girlie and you’ve had the courage to say what other young christian females like yourself have been wanting to say. Our sexuality is very confusing and with no way to express it and have it acknowledged and not just a “guy” this only adds but I love this..will definitely share with my friends…. :)

  5. I’ve been thinking for weeks to write about this, too–from a married woman’s perspective. I got married at 29. I was a virgin. The total disconnect created in having to “save it” before marriage to “give it all!” after marriage needs remediation, immediately. That lingering shame has got to be erased. Thank you for your boldness here.

    • A married woman’s perspective would be so helpful for those of us who are still unmarried and hope to save sex for marriage. We don’t have many women talking about these sorts of topics in judgment-free places.

      I appreciate the kind words, and thank you for reading!

  6. THIS! This is what I wish they would teach young women in the church. Instead we get purity rings and sign True Love Waits pledges as if any potential for lust could be wiped out by either. There needs to be deeper, more authentic, and more loving dialogue surrounding this topic. Bravo for speaking such wisdom and clarity into an oftentimes confusing and disheartening conversation.

    • I’m the girl who got the purity ring. And I spent a whole year not wearing it, because I was dealing with issues concerning sex and lust. And when I put it back on, I felt unworthy of it. Telling a girl to wait for sex until marriage just isn’t enough anymore. I completely agree, there NEEDS to be more transparent and honest dialogue.

      Thank you so much for reading!!!

  7. Oh good grief wow…thank you for writing this. You know that moment when you realize that everything you’ve mulled over in your head and heart for months, maybe years is finally written out on a page in front of you and it means you’re not crazy or alone in something? That’s what happened to me just now.

    Frankly, the problem for me and women like me around me is that we are expected as “good Christians girls” to wait for sex only in marriage and basically deny our sexuality until then. Then, then…! Magically, we’ll be able to let it all out of the box and be open and sexual with our spouses from the wedding night on! Oh, wow, great!
    Really? How does that even make sense?

    • I totally agree! Christian women are so lost when it comes to our sexuality. We are told to hide for years, then bare it all. We are told we are sexual like men, but are expected to be sexual with our spouse. There needs to be some middle ground allowing women to become more comfortable with what it means to be a sexual and still good Christian woman.

      Thanks for the comments and for reading!

    • Thank you for writing this post! I too feel that it was written for me. Such confusion surrounds this and the shame and hopelessness we feel as women can be so crippling. I so appreciate your honesty, especially as a woman who has struggled with sexual sins in my own life. Although I am in a committed relationship, it is so incredibly hard to wait for marriage. Sounds easy when you say it, but the practice is definitely not. To all of the other women who struggle with this, I am praying for you and hoping that you find healing and freedom in Jesus. We cannot face this alone and we need to have a healthy view of ourselves and our sexuality before anything will change. Thanks again for posting this!

  8. I may be the only man here, but I want to thank you for your sincerity. You became light in a dark world of sex. You know, the place when sin left silent is no sin at all (so they say). I applaud you for doing this and continue fighting the good fight. You can’t possibly be alone. I hope!

  9. Thank you, thank you, thank you for this. I’m right there with you in this issue. As so many have mentioned, I think it’s ridiculous that, as women, we’re asked to be perfect, clean minded beings until we’ve got two rings securely on our finger then magically become wildly comfortable with our new husband. It’s a subject that so many churches have skipped over because it’s uncomfortable. I’m so glad someone started this conversation.

    • Even if subjects are uncomfortable, churches need to be a safe place for women (and men as well) to come with all their questions and struggles, especially concerning sex. Marriage is something the church believes in strongly, so they should be willing to help us with what comes with it.

      Thank you reading and commenting!

  10. Moe pointed me over here and I’m so glad he did. This is one of the best articles I’ve seen written on this subject. You aren’t alone…believe me…I know it. But the church needs more women like you to stand up and be heard.

  11. Wow, thank you so much for writing this. I thought there was something desperately wrong with me or that maybe I was just really unholy…so thank you for having the courage to write this…you are certainly not alone in this…and you’ve just showed me that neither am I!

    • There is nothing wrong with you. We’re all human. It’s natural that we think about sex. It’s what we do with those thoughts, whether or not we let them rule us, that is important. So know you aren’t alone! And thanks for reading!

  12. What a beautifully written piece! Frank… Truthful… Sincere… It definitely ‘hit the spot’;-)

    I was just telling an older male colleague how difficult it is to be a beautiful, young single Christian woman (yes, I AM aware I’m beautiful!). It doesn’t help when, unlike the writer, you have experienced the sinful pleasure of premarital sex before finally giving in to Christ’s Love and deciding to pursue holiness and purity until marriage. Yes, I’m madly inlove with my Jesus and yes, I have moments when I have to fight of the insane cravings my body has! It doesn’t help when you’re pursued by (dare I say) hot young (and old) men every other day while all the eligible Christian brothers steer clear and give you side hugs while they continue ‘seeing (wo)men as trees’! I know I could secretely engage in habitual sexual sin and I know I could just stop fighting my body’s desires and give in but I choose to pursue purity in Christ while I wait to be ‘found’ by hubby dearest! It’s really tough being a single Christian woman when it comes to sex… I’m not supposed to think about it, see? I’m supposed to shy away from ‘married women conversation’ at Christian sisters’ bridal showers when what I really want to do is also wear that sexy nightdress she’s just been bought ‘for the wedding night’ and ‘teach her a thing or two’ in preparation for her ‘Big Night’ – yes, I said it… I’m blood-washed, sanctified, righteous and I revell in the love my God has for me and I crave to see all people’s eyes unveiled to the gift of salvation but yes, sex features in my thoughts more times than I care to admit or I’m allowed to admit! So, in the mean time… I wait…

  13. I see a thread in a couple of the comments that I’ve seen in some other discussions recently, and points to another misconception that is perpetuated by society but not countered by the Church not talking about it:

    The idea that you’re expected to be a perfect sexual being on your wedding night and thereafter. I speak as a virgin, but one who listens when others talk. This is something males and females alike need to know. Your first time may or may not be amazing, but will almost certainly be awkward and messy and maybe even unfulfilling at first. And that may happen more than just the first time. But that’s okay. The whole point is to learn together, to communicate to each other what feels good and what hurts and and respond to what the other person likes and dislikes. You may know a little about the functionality when you get there, since it’s hard not to pick up a little knowledge in this society, but nobody starts out as an expert. Expect to learn and to fail and to try again and to make it clear to your spouse that you don’t expect them to be an expert either.

    There is an unrealistic idea from television and movies and romance novels and all the other sources that sex is always hot, passionate, and perfect that leaves an enormous weight of performance anxiety for men, and I’m sure for women as well. It’s about as real as the airbrushed model on a magazine cover. There are parts of it that are genuine and attainable, and other parts that are a facade put on for an audience. So don’t hold yourself to an unrealistic mental standard. Be ready to fail, be ready to let your spouse fail, and to laugh about it and try new things till you find out what works. Every area of married life will be learning about each other and finding out what works to meld two lives into one; you’ll have just as much learning to do about melding two bodies.

    • I agree. Part of getting married and growing with that person is navigating through the awkwardness of sex. And it will be a bit awkward. But that shouldn’t be something we’re afraid of. It should be something we look forward to, because that means we get to share another more intimate part of ourselves with our spouse.

    • Well said! This comment really hits the nail on the head. *unrealistic expectations’ the Hollywood type of love! I am 23 years old and unmarried and I have had sex before with one guy who was my boyfriend at the time. The first time i did I was downright disappointed. I couldn’t believe this was what all the hype was about and then after it got better and amazing. So I can totally relate to the first time after getting married potentially being awkward or unfulfilling. After giving my Life to Christ those thoughts, desires, wants, cravings still came and to me I felt like they were stronger than ever!!! I got frustrated and irritated as a result and sometimes I would snap at people UNTIL I started to REALLY draw closer to God. Dwell in his word daily, pray everyday. Plea the blood of Jesus over my mind, spirit, soul and body. There is power in blood of Jesus. Also take holy communion at home… Believe me it works! I didn’t think any of these things would help but they do!! My lust desires, wants, cravings have dropped and died down immensely. But I want to be quite clear this is not in anyway a cure. There is no cure! You are NOT ill. But this will help you overcome. I assure you these thoughts, desires, wants, will come but God has given you power to overcome so that they will not rule you and have dominion over you.
      So be encouraged and we ladies are definately Not Alone! Lean on his grace.. God is always there to rescue you…don’t shy away from asking God for his help with abstinence/celibacy he is your father and maker he loves you..nothing you say to him will scare him away from you.
      Be Blessed Everyone.

  14. Great article and very accurate. Moe pointed me over here as well and I’m glad I came! Even married women think about sex – it’s a very real thing we all deal with all the time.

  15. This was a great piece. I’d love to see something giving direction and recognition for the divorced woman as well. Being in the church as a divorced single mother is incredibly alienating – people treat you like your failed marriage will rub off on them and destroy their perfect appearing union. And sexual desire doesn’t just disappear because the man decides to walk away. I want to follow Christ’s directions, but find it so hard to really even know what to do next because I’m floating out here all alone with no one willing to talk about what life is really like in 2012. Preachers like to talk about exactly what the Bible says, and condemn life today for all of its modernity and associated sins, but they miss the part where we have to live in this world and follow the instructions written long before TV, the internet and waiting until our 30s to get married and then possibly getting divorced. Thank you for being courageous and starting this important discussion!!

    • I wish there was something I could say about that topic, but I’m lacking in any experience with it. I can’t imagine how frustrating it must be for you. I do know some Christians who are divorced, and it’s a tough place to be. I would check out this article and visit the Good Women Project blog.

      Thanks so much for reading! Stay strong and have a lovely day.

  16. I am scheduled to make a presentation on the topic “Controlling the Sexual Urge” tomorrow evening at our local youth meeting and i am so grateful to God that i happened upon your message. I am going to have everyone present read before i conclude with what God will bless me with. Thank you so much for sharing your heart with us. I love you so much for doing this. God bless you

  17. Oh i forgot to ask you to please follow me on twitter too(@GraceGod86)so that we can really be great friends. I will be honored. Thanks

  18. “God also gave us a choice: suffer under the sin, or find peace and forgiveness in His loving embrace.”

    This is a nonsensical phrase that doesn’t mean anything. It sounds nice and Christianity, but what practical use is it? There’s no meaning that can be derived from those words that can help anyone with anything. Allow me to demonstrate by picking it apart.

    “Suffer under sin”

    What’s that even mean? Anything deemed “sin” somehow causes suffering? But we know it doesn’t. Getting turned on doesn’t lead to suffering. Lustful thoughts don’t lead to suffering. Safe sex doesn’t lead to suffering. You know what does lead to suffering? People being told that there’s a magical being in the sky that hates them for these things, and people worrying about what other people in their church will think of them.

    “find peace and forgiveness”

    For what? Torturing yourself over something for reasons that aren’t based in rationality? It seems to me that a more productive path to peace would be to stop playing the “oh no God doesn’t like that” game altogether.

    “In his loving embrace”

    You might eventually convince yourself to feel better by talking to yourself in your head, but that’s hardly a loving embrace from anyone, much less a god. And why would you want a hug from someone who imposes ridiculous, nonsensical rules about what is/is not sin, and then gives you otherwise innocent, beautiful, life bringing natural urges that go against those rules?

    • So here’s the thing, I don’t believe in a magical being in the sky. I believe in a powerful, loving God. Even if you don’t believe in sin, you can’t tell me that there aren’t destructive behaviors that people struggle with. These destructive behaviors can cause emotional turmoil and psychological damage, and that is science which is the epitome of rationality. Ridiculing me for what I believe isn’t going to change my mind, and I’m sorry you feel that way. But I’m not sorry for speaking my mind or for many other women out there who are suffering under the idea that something is wrong with them because they have sexual urges. And I’m not sorry for my faith.

    • wow, that feels and sounds terrible, Jim. But whoever said the easiest way out is always the right choice is a terrible lier.God is God no matter what we think, feel or do and His standards will never be adjusted so we might have our way sometimes.

    • Seriously, what was your point of coming on here to pick a fight with people who don’t share the same beliefs as you. Clearly this is a post for BELIEVERS so…why are you here again?

  19. Wow…reading this was like hearing everything my own voice has wanted to say for years but just didn’t know how to word it. Very poignant, very honest, and veerrrrry true. Thank you so much for being courageous enough to broach the topic and say what all of us ladies have been thinking…since forever…

  20. Excellent writing! Just thankful God blessed me w/wonderful single Christian women who were willing to talk about such things & hopefully others will find this type of fellowship as well.

  21. Assuming the church ignores what to do with pre-marital women’s sexuality, and I think that is a somewhat fair assessment, my question is the same as yours: how do you handle sexual energy all pent up as a woman? It is a fascinating question. On one level it is a simple answer. Like all sin, you deny the flesh. It doesn’t matter if it would feel good to have sex. Deny the culture of today that says ‘if it feels good it is okay/good’. You deny the flesh. After that it gets complicated.

    How women deny the flesh might be different from men. Be careful to not assume that men and women’s sexual drive is the same quality. I’m pretty sure its different. Men don’t yearn for intimacy. They yearn to hump. Men think about doing it many times all day, every day. Men are turned on by seeing a woman’s legs or simple outline of her figure. It never has to be any woman in particular. Yes, women on the other hand are turned on by the hot body, but not just any hot body, the hot body of some crush, real or imagined. I’m pretty sure of this. Perhaps you can see when men in the church have pounced on smothering men’s sexuality. It verges on maniacal, uncivilized, beastliness. It doesn’t lessen the need for woman’s sexuality to be addressed.

    But say you successfully, on the outside, remain a virgin. Then, to answer Honnah’s question, how can a woman suddenly bloom (‘open and sexual’ is the way it was put) on the wedding night in a sexually mature woman? I’m not really sure what that means, but if it is referring to being capable to orgasm well with a particular person, or being knowledgable on lots of sexual positions, the answer is you won’t likely blossom, at least not uniformly, on the wedding night. Its like everything else. You learn it. You grow.

    Back to denying the flesh, I and most of the historical church are partial to disciplining the body. The end of which is that the individual’s reaction to situations that suddenly present themselves is habitual or reflexive, and good. The best ‘mens’ groups do this, though I found mens groups were mostly a waste of time for most men. You just need a mentor to help you be well disciplined to Jesus, at least if you’re a dude. Maybe most women need to talk it out in a group. I would be fascinated to get a better answer on this whole subject from a woman who knows.

    Also, chucking the career and marrying earlier helps a lot for both sexes. If you’re mature, anyway.

    • There are women who do not long for intimacy or in a sense not a deep relationship/marriage. I think the article is pretty spot on with regards to the discussion in the church regarding sexuality and how the side conversations display the ignorance of some and outright lying/covering up of others. At my church which is pretty small, we do not shy away from such topics. However it seems that we have a knack at pointing out how some “groups” struggle in areas more than others which can be hurtful. I was vocal during a bible study on sexual sin because all of the talk surrounded how a man struggles and wants to have sex with everything that walks by and yadya yada. Some women have that problem too or they alteast are selective in who that is. So I was vocal about my own struggles of constantly thinking about the act of sex not the need for a relationship. Whispers from the older ladies were annoying. I said that many women lie. Had a guy say he never thought women thought that way. Pastor’s wife admitted to her own thoughts from time to time. So I disagree that for some the quality of the sex drive could not be the same. I think though it may also stem from not being a virgin as your anatomy yearns as well. My only argument is do not pretend to think that some women do not struggle if not more than some men. The bottom line is that we all must deny the flesh, some in this area more than others and with the support of understanding believers.

    • Wow, rightly said. I too agree with this that lust and the desires it carries is a constant battle with the flesh. And this applies for men and women. And even if it seems impossible to overcome for women because it’s hidden and not popularly spoken of, it doesn’t mean it’s alright to stay in our lives. God still calls us to flee from our Idols (our flesh and everything else we lust, not just people) and turn to Him because our Idols can never fill us and satisfy us like God can. I have written an entire comment on this almost at the bottom of the page. If we really really love God.. we obey Him (John 14:15) and with His help we die to our flesh daily that includes lust. We stand our ground for God. God bless!

    • “Men yearn to hump” – not quite… Us blokes often access our other emotions through sex… so shagging is the route to intimacy… it unlocks the intimacy side.

      Why do you think that most of Peter Cetera’s “promise lyrics” are in a post-coital setting?

    • I’m a Christian woman in her early 30s who has been waiting for marriage.
      I’ll be honest – I love being single. I like living alone. I like my independence. I am not lonely. I have great friends and a full life. I have no desire for children or a traditional family.
      All that’s missing is sex for me. Yeah, intimacy is nice, blah blah blah, but I’d take a warm, albeit sufficiently attractive body. It’s true that women may be more selective about actual partners, but that’s because we have more risks from sex, and frankly, we can be more selective (for sex, not necessarily relationships). We have the power there. So while we may be more finicky about actual partners and turn-ons, we don’t lack for them, and the sheer lust is no different. It’s not about romance and loneliness, but plain ol’ horniness.
      The OP’s point that women get desexualized due to putting us on pedestals as morally superior to men is relevant here. That’s part of what perpetuates this problem. Its interesting to consider that past cultures often painted women as the insatiable, animalistic lusty ones. The perception of sexuality in a gender is heavily cultural, not biological. No doubt there are basic differences in male and female sexuality, but we can’t grossly underestimate the sex drive in women just because it’s not as well understood as the male drive.
      If not for spirituality, then I have no motivation to abstain other than a few pragmatic things to consider (risk of pregnancy, social shaming, disease, date rape, etc). Those can be relatively easy to mitigate nowadays if you have some common sense. But lack of drive (as if sexually doesn’t develop for us in puberty as it does for boys) or a need to be in love or infatuated with someone (in order to be turned on) are not realities. Women desire sex for the sake of sex also.

  22. LOVE LOVE LOVE! Here’s to tearing down the double standard! I’ve never had sex, but I can’t help but let my eyes linger every once in a while. Especially when the guy is right in front of me for an extended period of time. There’s this guy in my program who every time I see him, I just can’t help but–admire God’s handiwork, let’s just say, and I feel like no, I shouldn’t be thinking this or that or looking at him or anything like that, and I feel ashamed to say anything to anyone about how I feel when I see him. It’s good to know I’m not the only one with these problems.

  23. Pingback: Reads of the week – 2012 – 23 « Hope In Love

  24. Absolutely amazing job! When I was youth pastor, my wife and I took this topic on and I wish I had this blog entry to share with them back then! God bless you for your courage!

  25. Thank you for writing this! I definitely do agree with the church the women do tend to romanticize, but we are romanticizing sex, and sex is sex. I am always told to be modest and control my words so as not to tempt boys, but it is simply laughed off if a boy winks at a girl or sits on her lap. It’s thought of as a cute joke. No, a boy sitting on my lap does not give me sexual desires, but I do have sexual desires, especially when it comes to a guy I have feelings for. When I have love type feelings for a guy, if course my mind wanders and I think about what it would be like if I could make him happy and… If he could make me happy. It’s very difficult to control the thoughts, and I have always felt that as a girl, it is worse for me to have those thoughts than it is for a boy. Even though I still think it is wrong to have lustful thoughts towards a man, I have come to realize that men and women are loved my God equally and that we both, then, sin in the same ways sometimes.

  26. Like you, Sex is becoming my biggest struggle. That and patience.

    I’m encouraged by the acknowledgement of those who struggle. And I’m brokenhearted at the callus behavior of those who indulge their flesh, ignorant of the danger.

    If it encourages anyone, I’ve linked to my youtube video “Christian Virgins Hurt Too.”

  27. Such a refreshing perspective. As a male who has had problems with lust and controlling my sexual desire, I’ve often felt that I should never talk about these things with women because they’re pure and holy and to express my problems near them might taint all of that. Of course, this wasn’t something that was taught to me; it was just implied. It was how I was led to feel. “Men are supposed to share men’s problems with other men,” so the feeling tells me. “Women aren’t to be involved.”
    What this way of thinking leads to – for me, anyway – is a deep-seated feeling of defilement, as if I’m too dirty for any Christian girl. So believe me when I tell you that it’s refreshing to hear that struggles with lust aren’t limited to men. Not to say that what I’ve seen and done is no longer wrong, but to say that it seems to lessen the feeling of shame, guilt, and overall dirtiness. Thank you so much for your courage.

  28. Awesome post, every bit is so true. It’s so encouraging to see all the comments and know that we don’t have to face struggles alone!

  29. Pingback: Why I’ll wait: On sex, virginity, and my choice. «

  30. coming from a young woman who struggles with a pornography addiction, thank you so much. i have always felt alone, and i thought i was the only girl who struggled with lust such as it. i saw it as a man’s sin, and it made me feel ugly and messed up. i’m physically a virgin, but mentally, i’m nothing close. thank you for letting me know that i’m not alone. God bless:)

    • Thank you so much for sharing your own struggles. Not many would be willing to. I use to feel quite alone in my issues with lust and sexual struggle. And also like you, I’m a virgin, but don’t often feel like one. I’m glad women are starting to come forward with their stories. Stay strong! And thank you very much for reading.


  31. It’s interesting to note that in ancient times the perception went the complete opposite direction in many ways. Now that’s not to say it was right (it wasn’t ;)) but one of the reason put forward for keeping women as second class citizens in Greco-Roman cultures were that they were honestly viewed as sex-mad to an extent as a general rule, and therefore many (male philosophers obviously ;)) asserted that beside certain exceptions this made women unable to be rational beings. It wasn’t the only reason women were often characterised as inherently irrational but is was one of them (and they general assumptions permeated 1st century Jewish views as well, which makes you see just how counter-cultural Jesus is).

    Clearly it’s great that in the West these negative views have long since past, but perhaps in rightly rejecting the negative connotations and reasoning, we’ve sometimes forgot the one kernel of truth in it, that just like men women are sexual beings in a fallen world, and the Church needs to address that for both sexes.

  32. Why is a good Christian girl watching Magic Mike and 50 Shades? How does that help. Yes, we’re human but whatever we feed (Spirit or flesh) will control. No judgement of my fellow virgin but I know purity isn’t just a physical thing; it’s a heart and mind issue. If we want pure hearts, our minds must be daily renewed with the Word. Focusing less on the world and more on the Word helps a lot.

  33. Wow what a thoughtful post. You said so clearly a big problem with the church. Our churches need to help us link our faith to the struggles we face on a daily basis. God is interested in every part of our life. Yes the sexual side included. Why do our churches not deal with this topic more.

    As you get older the struggles in this department do not diminishany. My advice keep hanging on and keep praying and include God in everything yes even in the embarassing parts. Remember we cannot out sin God. He knows our struggles and thoughts. We just have to always keep consulting him. When we feel we have failed don’t let embarassment or disappointment in ourselves stop us from approaching God. He is there for us in all things.

    Again thanks for an honest heartfelt post


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  36. I totally agree. The church desperately needs to open up and embrace these questions from women. I have been to several women’s conferences throughout college where we have breakout sessions talking about how to not lead men astray and how to be good, encouraging examples, but never one thing about how women struggle. I am now 22 and have struggle since I was in 7th grade with what you have discussed. When I was younger I honestly thought something was wrong with me, that I had too much testosterone or something because only men are supposed to struggle with this. I felt alone which led to depression and shame. I turned from God and embraced my desires, though never giving into the act of sex itself. About a year ago, I gave my life back over to the Lord and while I thought it might get better, and it did for a while, I began to struggle again. But this time I acknowledged it, finding my strength in the Lord.
    This really needs to be explained to young girls, so they don’t get caught up in all of the guilt and know that they are not alone and that they are free to talk about it. I have spent so long afraid to even talk about it to my friends because I feel like I’ll be judged. I’ll say it again, the church needs to acknowledge this issue and quit stuffing it under the rug because in the end, that’s what we all do with our thoughts and actions, shove them under the rug and go on continuing to act like we have our lives in control.
    Thank you so much for sharing!

    • I completely agree with everything you said. Especially when you mention how young women are told to be encouraging/pure examples for men and how we aren’t to lead men astray. Women struggle with the same things men do, even if it is in a different way. We deal with lust and sexual desire and not having the opportunity to discuss these struggles safely only leads to shame. We need to be a Church that is willing to break down walls that leave women isolated in their struggles. Being a woman does leave me exempt from certain temptations. It is time the Church embraced this so we can move forward in honest discussions.
      Thank you for sharing your thoughts! I’m glad people are starting to talk about this issue.


  37. I grew up in the Bible belt, a sub-standard Christian for a majority of my childhood/teenage years. As soon as I left home and began travelling and seeing the world I became an atheist/agnostic (just to let you know where I’m coming from; I’m a chick, too).
    I think I became an atheist because of almost every religion’s ideas on sex. I like sex, a lot. I like the feelings it gives my body, I like the connection I forge and deepen with my other, and I love being able to give someone that kind of pleasure in return. When I figured these things out, I dropped god pretty quickly. I can’t understand why someone who says he loves me would make me feel so guilty for loving someone. Sure, there are instances where sex is no good – among family members, with animals, without consent, not understanding the consequences, etc., – but that’s no reason to heap so much shame and stigma against it. It can be done right, you just have to work at it.
    If anyone can explain these things to me, I’d love to hear your opinions. Why are baby boys and girls subjected to genital tampering, to put it nicely? Why are so many religious people against gay sex? Why is condom use still being rejected by many churches as ‘sinful’?
    Religion, in my view, does more harm than good. And to the people who struggle with your faith – I think you will be struggling for a long time. I don’t mean that harshly, just think about it a bit.

    God? ‘I don’t know’ is the only true thing anyone can say about it.

  38. To Raven: Focusing more on an a book than the reality of life that’s growing and changing around you all the time. These are the things that make me so angry. Teaching other people to ignore reality and focus instead on stories that can never be interpreted incorrectly. Infuriating. Wanna respond?

  39. There is a book written by Joshua Harris about the issues of lust. The book is entitled “Sex Isn’t The Problem, Lust is” (formerly written as “Not Even A Hint”). It deals with the topic of lust and sex for both genders equally. I really recommend you guys and gals to read it. I struggle with lust too, and the problem with lust is that, it takes away my focus from God to fulfilling myself and my desires. It’s “God VS. My Flesh.” But remember that every time the object of our worship is our “self” rather than GOD, it is sin, and it is like we permit lust to become an Idol in our lives. And when we get preoccupied with lust as an IDOL and fall into it, it becomes a the problem and a vicious cycle that’s difficult to get out of. Being tempted by pleasure is Not sin, but falling into temptation is sin. Among the churches I have attended, none so far discuss the matter publicly. And that point is true that the church needs to do so, but I’d prefer it to be contained in a small group setting with only a trusted few who know me well. But God did teach me how to deal with lust through the books that I read about lust and from the Christians I know (in or out of my church like small group friends or my disciplers) who dealt with the same thing.

    Being a Christian is hard but we chose to follow Jesus because we LOVE Him, and becoming a Christian means you count all costs of following Him and you have got to die to yourself almost EVERY second. I know this drives everyone nuts, but it just goes to show that by ourselves, we can never really die to ourselves By our own power. Our failure to do so points out that WE NEED SOMEONE BIGGER THAN OURSELVES TO BATTLE THIS OUT. IT SCREAMS THAT WE NEED GOD. Yes IT IS HARD. YES we mostly choose to rebel and not obey. But God is begging gently, I want all your thoughts to contain of Me. He’d gently tug our hearts with words like “I loved you and I died for you.” That Is Why WE really need HIM in these sensitive areas and in those DEEP intimate and Physical longings of our hearts. We need to tell Him about it.

    Here are the things I do at times when I fall into sexual temptations or lust:

    1.) Take all my longings to God, even the physical and intimate ones. Admit it to Him that you need help from Him. Ask Him to remind you that Loving Him is the ultimate priority of our minds and hearts.

    2.) Avoid reading, looking, listening to, watching or involving in “garbage” (like 50 Shades of Grey, American Pie Movies or anything with sexual contents). Remember GARBAGE IN, GARBAGE OUT. The fire will always keep burning if we keep feeding it with fuel. So these sexual contents are the fuel for the fire of lust.

    3.) Admitting to God I am attracted to someone (even sexually) but just being thankful that God made you able to appreciate someone from the opposite sex because you were wired to do so. (God designed this for marriage so that we could physically multiply, If there was no desire, there’d be no SEX. Amen?). :D

    4.) Keep yourself busily engrossed in God that you have no time for lust. Fill you head and heart with God, and keep depending on God to make you do so despite the how intensely impossible it is. Hey, no pain no gain sista, keep trusting God and have faith but be aware of your sexuality and how God made you a sexual being. And be aware of How God wants you to worship Him. (Remember that you are His Holy temple, you are His Beloved who is Set-Apart only for Him and who does not conform to the patterns of this world.)

    5.) Erase the LIE in YOUR HEAD THAT YOU “NEED” SEX & PHYSICAL INTIMACY to fill you up because it won’t help no matter how many porn videos it takes and no matter how many times you did it mentally or physically. It’s like you’re drinking from a broken cistern or well and you always need to refill your thirst. Instead, Go to God who is the Living Water who quenches our thirst. God wants us to know that He wants TO BE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN SATISFY YOU. He wants us to be so satisfied with Him that we don’t need a man/woman or any partner to be happy. ;D It’s hard but it is possible because nothing is too hard for God to do in our lives.

    6.) Get and share to a mature Christian accountability partner whom you are comfortable in sharing, dealing and facing the issue of lust. Both of you can help battle the war on lust together with God. As much as possible surround yourself with sexually mature Christians or people who know how to “Not Place You Into Tempting Situations.”

    7.) Do what Joseph did. Run! When he was tempted and was commanded to have sex by the wife of his master, he ran from her even if it cost him a life sentence in jail (coz the wife framed him for not obeying her). Read his story if u haven’t (Genesis 39). Paul even warned us that it is a battle to fight with our flesh yet we have to fight it every single day. And we don’t only fight with our flesh but we also fight with the “patterns of this World” and Satan. So flesh, world and Satan. Our everyday nemesis. Even if we constantly loose, don’t give up on God, remember it’s His war in the first place, so keep on fighting! :)

    Lastly, remind these things to yourself over and over again. Stick it onto your walls, your PC Desktops or wherever you can see it to constantly remind yourself. Lust can become our Idol anytime. It doesn’t mean that if it is hard and impossible, it’s okay to stay in our lives. Let’s stand our ground and stick to what is truth and not the lies. STAND YOUR GROUND FOR GOD. <3

    • I wish I could say that i am still a Virgin, I have been a Christian for only about 2. 5 years.
      I Lost my virginity at age of 18 with my ” christian boyfriend” after I became a Christian We decided to honour and follow God’s plans and fight against our flesh, so we continue our long distant relationship of 6 years ( this help to not have the Temptation of Thought and or action ) but last fall now we live in the same town we renew our relationship and decided to start all over and get to know each other more due that we had never lived in the same city. Now 9 months after we have Not had sex but we have thought about it, have passionate kisses and even touching each other. we have try to put bounderies , reading “devotions for dating coulples” and so on. But we have not keep them or is being of any help. the Feeling afterwards is horrible and I decided that we needed more time with the Lord, pray and tht God will show us the way. weather to end our relationship and abide in God or to get counselling or some guidence.
      PLESE GIRLS WAIT, save virginity until you are married ( once you know the feeling your flesh and mind sometimes can take over.)
      I have think about marrige but he is just passing through an aculturation process his parents dont know english and he will be starting university once again. i will be done soon only one year. so I am praying desperetely to the Lord that he will be able to help me with wisdom and descerment, please pray for me.


      • Hi Lore,

        I just read your comment and I thought I’d reply even if I don’t know if this is actually helpful. There are some cultures where men and women really don’t even touch, not at all (not even accidentally touching when passing each other something), until they get married. It’s a way of setting the boundary really far back so as to protect the purity that they treasure in the relationship, and also of stopping the physical and emotional side of things from getting so hard to handle… when it’s already hard enough. It definitely also helps develop the relationship in a different way.

        I’m not saying that people must do this or that it’s wrong not to! But the idea really works for people within those cultures, who keep to it very carefully. For many people in Western culture this might not be what they would choose, and that’s fine. But when a struggle with sex is taking over the relationship, maybe such a big choice could help. I don’t know whether such a thing would be good or bad in your relationship. But if you really are committed to each other and love each other, and yet if you feel the only other option is breaking up because of the struggle… then here is an option you could choose instead, maybe. It would be a gift that you each give both to each other and to God, a commitment that helps to keep everything clearer.

        Just know that if you think this comment is way out of left field and wrong, that’s fine :)

    • Excellent advice Anna, coming from someone who actually struggles with lust. The best advice always comes from people who have struggled with the issue themselves. And I may add, as a bloke who struggles with issues of lust as a Christian, it is refreshing to know that women do as well. What we all need to do is get real on this issue, and many more issues like it. If a reverend, vicar or priest gave your 8 points of advice against combatting lust, he would be saying something more useful than waffling a hundred boring sermons that no one would listen to anyway! Why can’t the church be more relevant like this?

  40. I’m glad there are people out here who feel the same way that I do.The older that I have gotten (I am 30), being a virgin, my hormones are raging with the desire for sex. I have grown angry and depressed because I have no way to release these sexual desires I have. It has gotten to the point where, anything that is related to sex, I feel like I could just punch a hole in the wall!

    I do not like seeing married couples or pregnant people, because it reminds me of sex! Isn’t that sad? I have always been an extremely sexual person since the age of five, and I just don’t understand it. I don’t want to get married just to have sex, but then I don’t want to keep wanting sex and no way to release it either. No matter how much this is discussed, nothing will ever take away wanting to have sex because we are sexual beings. I didn’t know that this much anger would enrage me as I have gotten older. I do not want to violate the Word of God by giving into these sexual temptations…and I how do you ask God to take something away that we are naturally?

    • God purposedly wired us with sexual urges so that we could multiply. If you cannot control those urges, then it is better for you to be married than struggle forever unless you can overcome that. Try to read up the entire chapter of 1 Corinthians 7. Marriage is more than just sex.. There are other things that is worth having in being married. Fall in love with God 1st and allow Him to satisfy all you, Ask God for a partner of His will… I hope this helps… I am single as well and I also am a frustrated virgin coz I know and relate to what ur feeling.. But What I do is that I take my frustration and longings to God (even physical ones) and just cry to Him and tell Him everything.. I ask him to guide & lead me while I’m still waiting for the partner He is preparing 4 me, and I keep my mentors & friends (Christians) accountable of my struggles. They pray for me and give me wise counsel and most times it helps me a lot as I struggle to not give into sin…. I hope this helps you somehow…

  41. Great write up. I’m a christian but I have a son who I had out of marriage, at 16(I’m 20 BTW). I was going through a rough patch :S but this is great :D I loved it. I’ve only been with one guy (father to my son, who has nothing to do with me ever since he found out) but because I have experienced sex, I struggle with the urge to go out there and pounce onto someone :S
    Its a subject that needs to be talked about. :D

  42. Wow, what a brave entry. Thank you for your honesty and sincerity. I believe you are giving a lot of women (and men!) a voice to thoughts and feelings that have been swept under the rug for far too long.

  43. Wow. This is so freeing. Reading this, I felt as though you were relating with me and encouraging me over coffee and many laughs! I resonate with all of this. Thank you for your transparency.

  44. well I am glad this is here. I am not alone, I am praying God will continually help me with my urges, I am going thru the menopause and had lost my husband 20 yrs ago. so I want sex and it is hard, I have given in and do not want to do it anymore, I want o be pure, pray for me

    • I admire you and we need more people like you.Talk of salt and light you r keep keeping on.May God bless you and protect you from all forms of evil.

  45. I’ve struggled with sexual lust since I was a child. I know it stemmed from things that happened in my childhood. Honestly, sometimes I feel like I could be worse than guy. This past year I realized how weak I really am in the flesh. Before, I was always able to hold up well because the opportunity never arose. This past year, I have been struggling indefinitely. I think I am strong, yet even a hug from can make me weak. I feel as if I’m slapping God in the face every time I fall into sin. Sexual lust has been greatest nemesis. It’s good to know I’m not the only woman struggling.

  46. Everything you wrote is everything I’m thinking. I’m here crying now because I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t I’m miserable being a virgin because I hate to date since I can’t do anything but kiss if that and I have a boyfriend now who I am madly in love with who I desperately want to have sex with and know I can’t and feel like crap for lusting for him. If I lust for him and have oral sex with him, which we have a few times to get rid of the sexual frustration, I’m sinning, I lose my virginity w/o being married I’m sinning, I do nothing and lust for him or break up with him and just lust for another guy I can’t have, I sin. It’s complete madness and it’s driving me mad. I was recently baptized a few months ago and confessed to my mother and repented from having anymore oral sex and then I’m back at it again trying to convince myself it’s not real sex. I’m going to tell my bf that we need to stop doing it and once we do, we’ll just go back to lusting for each other. What am I supposed to do? Stay single for the next few years and date again when I’m in the position to get married?? I’m only 20 years old and I’m in school so I’m not in the position to get married and I’m madly in love with this man and don’t want to lose him like that because I don’t want to control my urges. I love God and thank Jesus for dying on the cross for us but I sometimes wish we weren’t given the human ability to have sex before marriage, like we wouldn’t even have it come to mind at all til we get married but that feels impossible. When I was single i was fine for a while until I started having lust for other men that I was attracted to and made friends with. People can say all you want, don’t lust, don’t sin but as humans we still have those urges. My virginity is driving me insane. I don’t want to lose this very special person that i adore and plan on marrying in the future, but I don’t want to disobey God either. Sigh. I’m truely hating myself for all this!!

    • One thing you need to know is that being tempted is not a sin. Giving in to it is, yes, but experiencing temptation is not. We all experience temptation, some more intensely in one area and some more intensely in another, but we all experience it. We know from Scripture that Christ experienced temptation when He was here on Earth, but did not sin, therefore temptation in itself is not sin. God allows us to deal with temptations because we cannot grow if we’re never tested. I’m 36 and still a virgin, and some days it seems like the mental struggle is an almost daily one. I know the key is finding how to resist in God’s strength and not our own, but I haven’t fully achieved that yet. When we falter, we confess, and we start over again. Sometimes we have a nagging fear that God will just get tired of us sinning over and over. But Christ died for every time we will ever fall short, and God sent Him to the cross knowing them all. We need to keep resisting, and keep starting over when we fail, and keep seeking to learn how to use God’s strength against our weaknesses; but we don’t have to fear that we’ll sin one time too many for His grace. Sometimes I find myself quoting Bible verses to distract my mind when I’m struggling with lustful thoughts; not necessarily even ones that are related to lust, just anything I can focus my mind on that turns my thoughts towards God. It doesn’t matter if it feels silly; quote a verse, sing a praise song….anything that you find shifts your focus to God at that moment can help. He’s stronger than our temptations; we just often think of Him the least when we need His strength the most. And He’s always ready to forgive and restore us when we confess our failures and turn to Him. Failing makes us feel unworthy; but the beautiful truth is that we’re ALL unworthy yet Christ died for us. We don’t have to live under self-hatred and guilt; we only have to confess and be cleansed, because He already paid for it.

      • Yes, you are 100% right about it. I spoke to my boyfriend about it and he agreed that we should start reading the scriptures together and we refrain from any sexual activity. I was very suprised about how understanding he was and I think by discussing my feelings about it, it took a load off my back. It is very true that studying scripture helps keeps you strong and I have discussed these things with my mom as well and she helps keep me strong. I have prayed about it and repented for my sins and he and I will refrain from sexual contact til the day we marry. I am very lucky I found someone that is very understanding of my feelings and will support me. I understand now that being tempted is not a sin. At one point I thought it was but realising it’s not makes me feel a lot better. I have been reading from the Bible more frequently and it has helped a lot. Thank you for your reply and for not judging me. Good for you for staying pure as long as you have and fighting temptation. :)

  47. thanks for sharing…its tough!! after being the good Christian girl reached my thirties with no sign of sex/love/romance/marriage on the horizon. going to church is the toughest place.
    ready to give in! so ready…
    hard to keep the flame burning and not give in to cynicism!

  48. I am just so impressed by the responses people have made to this post. More so by the fact that they are from Christian people. My prayer is that God can answer each one of us according to our expressions here in.
    Dear lord, please look at all the feelings being poured here on this page, and help sort us all out. Speak to us, help us deal with all these struggles. It is clear here that without you, we are defeated. Enable us to stick in there, give us the courage to not give up, let us grow to appreciate that in our waiting we are WINNERS and not LOSERS.

    May you encourage whoever is reading this page and desires to live a pure life. In Jesus name i pray. Amen.

  49. I am 48, and have never been in any type of relationship and have never had sex. I have never read an article like this. It describes EXACTLY what I have been feeling, but I assumed that no other Christian female struggled with. Like several others have posted here, I also wish that I could get rid of my sexual desires. It seems apparent that I will never even come close to marrying (or even dating anyone) any time soon, so, what’s the point of having all of these aggravating feelings? It’s so frustrating!

  50. Hi I’m 25 and this libido is driving me crazy. There are times in the month when I just feel like I’m losing it, and fail to control my imagination. Its always running wild. There are days I feel so guilty I dnt even want to go to church. The ladies in church look so holy! Most are married by the age of 21. I haven’t really discussed this with any church leader. As you know its embarrassing, and than they will start looking for a husband for you and think just because you have this problem you going to marry anyone they pick! I’m a virgin but my mind is not. Than I start thinking of Jesus saying if you just so think of it you have committed a sin. I managed to stay three months 100% mind. It felt so good not having to struggle with guilt and feeling that i disappoint God like that. I dnt know I wish I could turn it off. I even went as far as drinking over the counter vellum it really works but its a potent drug that makes me tired and sleepy! I study work and have 101 other things to do I can’t afford to go through life drowsy. its really hard I sometimes wish God would have mercy on me and just shut it off!

  51. Excellent!
    Thank you for being brave and posting this. Reassuring to know I’m not alone in my struggles to deal with this issue.
    God bless yoy.

  52. Thank you for this very well said with boldness article. I am also a christian single woman. I don’t usually comment on articles would encounter but this made me appreciate as I’m not alone. Oftentimes, you’d like to try to talk with christian friends but they would shutdown about such topic and you’d end up wondering to whom you coul d really open up. You’re right that it’s easy for guys to open up when they’ve been feeling something as what I’ve known from a bestfriend and i think guys are also curious to know how we deal with our sexuality/urges but how can we explain? I didn’t even remember this was explained at home and parents will just advice in general. I’ve read books lately that I’d like to share. These are “Marriage: The Mystery of Christ and the Church” by David J. Engelsma and “Leaving Father And Mother” by Rev. Cornelius Hanko. Good reading for singles, married and even divorced men and women. Hope you’ll encounter these books. I am also reading other books given by a friend. Keep on writing girl.

  53. Cassi, I so much appreciate your willingness to communicate “you” to us, your audience. I could go on and on about the effect your writing has on me, a road-weary 57 year old male who has lived 97 years (just the way it feels, thank God) but there’s no need; I probably wouldn’t do it justice anyway. You have an obvious gift in creating beauty from strings of words. But as much as I appreciate, and benefit from, your writing, I have a profound appreciation for your gift in so effectively penetrating the heart of a reader who is desperate for just that. In all humility and sincerity, I want you to know that your work (this ministry) is actually facilitating a slow but steady healing of my soul. Thank you so much for staying in the struggle you describe until God gets done what your gift is meant to do, inside those of us who are broken and wounded to whatever extent we are as we find you and your light.

  54. I appreciate what you wrote, Cassi. I come to this topic from the viewpoint of a Christian woman happily married for nearly 40 years. I understand that sexual desire in women can be as strong as in men, (my own was from teen years through my 40s) and that the church must be an open and honest place for women to discuss those temptations. I think one of the reasons why many young Christian women are so tormented by these desires is because today’s society is expecting men and women to wait until their education is complete, their careers are started, and their bank accounts are padded until they marry. This means that most will not marry until their mid-20s to mid-30s. I am certainly not in favor of Christians just marrying the first person who comes along so they can have their sexual desires fulfilled. I’m also not advocating that young Christians marry at 18, 19, 20 before they have had time to mature and figure out who they are and what they want to do with their lives. However, if at some point in your life, God brings in a person with whom you relate well, share common values and goals, and grow to love, what’s the point of waiting to marry until you’ve finished college, your master’s, get your first job, can afford a big wedding, etc.? Interminable waiting will just subject you to greater and greater sexual frustration and temptation. Better to marry at the court house and strike out together with faith in God, than to fall into sexual sin.

    I realize that many commenting on this blog will say, “That’s easy for you to say. You found your soul mate.” I know that many Christian women haven’t had the opportunity to marry or their marriage has been ended by divorce. I can’t imagine the sexual desires you are dealing with on a daily basis. May God bless you and keep you strong. In church, don’t be scared to come to some of us “oldsters” and ask us for help. We’ve been there, too. We aren’t perfect. Our marriages aren’t perfect. We will talk to you and won’t judge you.

    • They aren’t marrying because there is no one to marry. Few if any have delayed for the reasons you’ve mentioned. The reality is that there are waaaay less Christian men than women, and too many of these men are goobers who don’t pursue dating. Unless stigma for dating/marrying an unbeliever is removed, then there’s not much of a solution for many of these frustrated single women. IMO, marrying an unbeliever is better than fornication and constant frustration, given it’s not a sin (just less than ideal) and serves as some protection against it.

  55. Amen! A woman, and a Christian woman at that, admitting what many men have known all along; that women do have sexual desires and feelings for sexual intimacy, and do get plain horny just like us blokes! This is reality for men and women, Christian or not, and the church, denominations or whatever, are closing their ears to it for one reason or another.

    I have been celibate for many years as a man, and of course, like dieting or giving up the booze, you can develop a craving for what you can’t have. That is human nature, and it’s the way we are. Sex is either ‘in yer face’ and splashed all over the TV, on DVDs, on music videos more and more, in sitcoms, in many 18-30 holiday destinations and often women’s bodies (and men’s) are plastered all over billboards in big cities and on the underground and in magazines, even innocuous ones, and all over the Internet, or it’s treated as something disgusting and dirty and evil. But, sex sells!

    The church, Christians in America, seem to be slowly getting to grips with it. In the UK, because Christianity has a rather fuddy duddy, rather respectable suburban and Middle class flavour, the chance of bringing up such a topic as lust would be almost unthinkable. That needs to change.

    What I can say finally is this, when we accept as Christians that we all struggle with all kinds of feelings and issues and obsessive compulsions and sin basically, and the church accommodates this, we may actually get a church, or a body of growing Christians, who get real and see the church as more than a social club for respectable people, but a refuge for sinners. which we all are. I would like to link this post to my blog, on a piece I am writing about dating.

    Here’s my blog page (if you don’t want me to do this merely omit this link but please post my comment!):

  56. God bless. You have just said what I can’t expressly say in words. We wish to be understood when it comes to this important part of our being as human.

    Well said.

  57. Thank you so much for your honesty. As a divorced single mother of 42, I can tell you that dealing with sexual frustration is sometimes overwhelming. I started out all wrong, being involved in some type of sexual activity since I was about 8 years old and finally having sex at 16. I was extremely active after that until I got pregnant with my third child out of wedlock. Bear in mind that I’d been married twice and lived with a man twice, as well. Every decision in my life seemed to be based on the lust of the flesh, if you understand my meaning. After I had my last child, I decided to stop having sex unless I get remarried, and to not even date until my son is 18. It’s been almost 9 years now. And it has been almost unbearable, even though I prayed about it all the time. I even forced myself to gain a great deal of weight so the temptation wouldn’t be there–no guy in his right mind propositions a 360-pound woman, right? Well, about a year and a half ago I began to think the problem had been solved. So, I started dieting and working out and lost 200-plus pounds. Good deal…not. The other day, an old family friend came from out of state, and he brought his son. His extremely sexy, single, nice, 38-year-old son, who I’ve always had a thing for. And just like that, all of my old feelings and desires came right back. If we’d been alone, it would have been sooo on. When he followed me into the house for a brief moment I thought I might have to tackle him. See? I ruined my body and practically killed myself so I would avoid this kind of thing. Who needs these overwhelming, unstoppable feelings–especially when I can’t do anything about them? I’m honestly trying to live according to the Bible now and be a good example for my kids (23, 20, and almost 9)–but I do have a real problem. Ever since the guy was here the other day, I’ve been grouchy and depressed and either exercising or baking like crazy (it’s one way to relieve stress, but I can’t eat it so that’s another problem–cakes and pies and banana bread and cookies all over the freaking kitchen!). I’m in distance college classes but I can’t even think about anything else right now. I’m sure the frustration you feel as a virgin is very difficult to take; so is my frustration as a former whore who’s trying to live right. Sorry for so much detail, but I have no one to confide in. My mother and sister are both sort of saints and they would probably faint if I mentioned sex–my mother believes nice girls don’t want it and that it’s only for having children, and my sister is a very serious no-nonsense type of person. My best friend and I had a falling-out and she wouldn’t have understood this anyway. I’m not close to any of the women at my church. Normally I would talk to my 20-year-old daughter about almost anything, but not this. She’s a good Christian girl who is waiting until marriage, and has enough on her plate without counseling her sex-starved nymphomaniac of a mother.
    Wow, I’ve really rambled. Sorry. But I also wanted to say you are doing the right thing by waiting for so many different reasons. God will reward you, so stay strong.

    • Kelley: Wow! I really appreciate your honesty! I’m glad you felt comfortable enough to share your story. Because it helps the rest of us who are struggling to feel less alone. While it is true that I am technically a virgin, I have the same desires as you! And, only one outlet, that we are not supposed to indulge in. So frustrating!

  58. Kelley, you’re post is so refreshing merely because it is completely and utterly honest. Men have been like this for centuries, obsessed with sex and allowed to use women any way they wanted. It’s no secret that many British people often have an aristocrat in their ancestry simply because such high born men often had dozens of mistresses who may have been house maids, or kitchen servants, or poor men’s daughters. Men make jokes about such things, and it is seen as good and proper still for a man to sow his wild oats so to speak. For women, on the other hand, such activities are beyond the pale, and any woman being like that are often seen as loose, immoral and sluttish in the extreme. But it takes two to tango, doesn’t it? Men like to be predators and seducers, but curiously enough at the same time they want women to be sweet and demure and virginal; that can be a big turn on for a man! Of course, such men treat strange women with a bad attitude, but want their wives, their sisters and their daughters to be pure, chaste, honourable and virginal!!! It is completely hypocritical, but such is human nature. In the Mediterranean, Middle East and North Africa, women are closely watched because men are very jealous about women, their own women and the women they desire. At least in Northern Europe and the US, women have more freedom in the same way men do to pursue the lifestyle they want. Of course, that isn’t perfect either, but it is at least more honest.

    Some desire for sex is obviously the orgasm, especially for men! How many children were created simply because a man had an overwhelming desire to simply have a woman? Probably a good percentage of humanity today and throughout history. Some sexual desire, for both men and women, is also intimacy for touch, for caressing, for holding another person who likes them and knowing they are in fact desirable. Some desire is the need for power over others and conquest; and how much more can you conquer a person than by having sex with them? There are so many factors involved, and all kinds of fantasies that are involved. For men too it might be the vindication that they are real men. And where is love? It is relegated to last place, because it involves commitment, it involves concern, it involves time and investment and it involves the other person, whereas lust and desire are always, usually always, manifested for completely selfish reasons.

    You must understand that it is perfectly natural to feel intense sexual desire, man or woman, but that it is possible to overcome these desires too. In our natural state, without true recourse to God, we do what we feel is right or what feels good to us. When we put these and many other things to God, He can bring even what seems overwhelming into proper perspective and will bring a plan for you to cope. This goes for the same with alcoholism, drug dependency, gambling or any other obsession or addiction. They put us out of balance, when we need balance in our lives.

    Keep praying, seek counselling, get some Christian books on lust and desire (check Amazon or Google them) and lean on God completely.

  59. Hi there,

    Thanks for this post – it’s brilliant! There’s so little discussion about sex in Christian circles it’s really refreshing to see people talking about it here.

    I grew up in a Christian school where sex was NEVER mentioned which I don’t think I agree with. I now have this kinda fear of sex. Although I know in my head that sex is God made and supposedly great I still feel fear when thinking about it. Probably because it’s the unknown or still wrongly perceived as ‘sinful’ which it isn’t in the right circumstances.

    I just feel that when the time comes will I just freak out about sex? Or will I push guys away because of this fear? Or will I feel completely different when it’s someone that I love and choose to marry?

    • You should educate yourself about all aspects of sex. Education makes things less fearful. I’m not saying that you have to go to any dirty porn sites or anything like that. But, there is plenty of good education on sex and relationships. Just like you’d educate yourself on any other topic. I’ve never had sex, but I know a lot about it as I am a Health instructor.

  60. Excellent post. So accurate, it was such a relief to discover i’m not the only one struggling with this. I have a constant battle going on between my thoughts and my desire to please God. It can be incredibly frustrating and distracting!… Thanks for writing this May God continue to bless you and keep you xx :-)

  61. Thank you putting such a post up.
    I have struggled with sexual desires my whole life and being sexually active then having to abstain from sex after becoming a new believer in Christ has been the biggest challenge for me. But when I read posts like this they encourage me and make me focus on taking that narrow way to heaven. God is such an amazing God. I love him so much.

  62. I’m so happy my friend shared this post with me. It’s honestly something that has been going through my mind for so long and I congratulate you for putting up such an accurate description of what us good Christian young women go through. God bless you sweetheart. May the Lord continue to use you through these kind words :) <3

  63. THANK YOU!!!!!!
    That is so true i have struggled with sexual sins since before I was even old enough to drive and people have always tried to.dimiss them like they dont matter “ask for forgiveness” they say or my personal favorite ” just change your thoughts” but it is so.much more than that. Its torture to have these thougts and want exactly what you see but then feel like you cant tell anyone that your struggling at all. Im 24 and still a virgin and I literally deal with the struggle everyday but i will make dont he aisle this way I just will have some bumps and bruises when i get there.

  64. just what i needed. i have the same struggles as a follower of Christ, and as a woman. i’m so relieved to hear that I am not the only Christian woman struggling through sexual temptations, thoughts, and media. sometimes the only way out is to either sin or to marry someone you barely even know, just to get the sexual frustration out.

  65. Thank you. Thank you so much for posting this. I stumbled upon your blog on a google search…..a search to some way… free. Thank you for helping me not feel alone.

  66. i thank God for u for writing this..its only now that i realized how hypocrite i was dealing with sexual desire..i always blame my bf, and make him appear how sinful he is for having strong sexual desire..but its only thru this blog that the Holy Spirit lead me to understand that i must be honest withyself that i want it too..and that i must admit it and ask for God’s help more….thank God i came across this post- from the Philippines

  67. Thank you so much for writing this. I did a google search hoping to find other Christian women struggling with this…no one ever talks about the often difficult struggle we face to retain our purity–it’s just pretty much the “purity/abstinence talks”–don’t have sex before marriage; now it’s up to you to not break that rule. I’ve felt ashamed and afraid to discuss this topic even with other women, and I’m sure so many others are the same. It’s such a shame, because we are supposed to strengthen each other in the faith. Thank you for your courage and honesty. :)

  68. I just wanted to thank you for writing this. I’m just a 21 year old girl who is completely devoted to Jesus, and lately I have really been struggling with this very issue. It’s made me feel alone, confused, and frustrated. I can’t tell you how much better I feel knowing that I’m not the only woman dealing with this. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and reassuring me that I’m not alone.

  69. I know this is a little late but I want to thank you for writing this. I’m a single young Christian woman that has been struggling with lust for a few years now. I’ll be honest and admit that it has been a thorn in my side for many years. It’s just so hard talk about and I feel so ashamed. This has truly helped me. Thank you so much and God bless.

  70. I’m so glad I’m not the only one that feels this way. I had a suspicion that I wasn’t, but was too afraid to ask. My issue is a little different. I grew up in church, made a profession of faith at a young age, got baptized, then drifted off as I grew into adulthood. I left the shelter of my parents’ roof, and it all went downhill from there. Drinking, smoking pot, pills, experimentation with my own sexuality and perversions that are truly an abomination to the way God created us. Age 18-23 was living like the devil. I am now 24, and saved by the grace of God. I would dare to say that it’s harder for me, because I’ve been there, and done that, and now I’m truly saved, and it all stopped. The cravings for all of it are pretty awful sometimes, but for anything of a sexual nature, those are the worst. I struggled majorly with masturbation when I was younger, and I find myself wanting to revert back to those habits now. I feel all of those things that you described. I know that the Lord is using all of this to refine me, and make me a stronger woman, but I can only wonder-how long, oh Lord, until you bring me a husband? Sometimes it’s not about the sexual aspect at all. I was engaged and lived with my boyfriend for several years, pre-conversion. That’s all a part of the old me, who was crucified and buried with Christ, and I’m very thankful for His mercy and forgiveness to me. Just, sometimes, more often than I want to admit, I miss being held. A back rub, a hand to hold, anything. You may think that you’re in a world of lust and hurt where you’re at now, but you should be thankful that they’re only fantasy for you, and not actual memories that have to be somehow banished or erased from your mind. Anyways, I hope I didn’t drag you down into a pit of depression, but I ran across your article just now, looking for anything that would help me before bed. So thank you, for being brave and writing this. I’ll stand with you, and am not afraid to say hey, women struggle with this too, and it’s time that the Church started addressing it. God bless.


  71. Interesting and relevent post. I am struck my the continuing theological error that is apparenbtly still wide spread in more conservative or evangeleical churches. That of “dualism” that a human’s “spirit” or “soul” is more pure than her “flesh” and the notion that our bodies are not really part & parcel of our created nature. God made mankind an integrated whole, including our bodies. Our “flesh” and its attendant biological processes (including the recreative process) was made by God. The term “flesh” is of course derivative from the KJV of the Bible and old English. It is easily confused with “sinful nature” the two are of course virtually completely unrelated. The mere desire for the physical union is not a sin! An unholy and un-Christian dualism is a significant factor in why there is so much unhealthy sexuality in conservative churches (“normal” urges considered to be sinful/wrong and thus kept in secret and not allowed to find any healthy expression or “management” and finally outworking in all manner of truly unhealthy ways. Think Jimmy Swaggert and all the other well known examples. The church needs to embrace its theology of humanity and then have the courage and grace to live that out in the individual, family, community settings. The church deserves better leadership in this area and this post contributes to that need.

  72. Thank you for writing this. This article really discerned what I’ve been feeling perfectly. I have friends that are Christian, but all of them seem to be perfect and never struggle with any lustful thoughts. Whenever I think something like that I feel such self loathing, and its awful going to church or reading the bible because I feel unworthy. I’m not close enough with anyone to talk about this, so I just shove it into the back of my mind and try to pertend it doesn’t happen. I remember at church we talked about sexual immorality and the pastor seemed to just be talking to the guys. In small groupe, everyone just pretended that it didnt apply to them. I really wish churches and people could be more open.

    • As one of the more outwardly perfect people I know (ask my friends, I’ve always been regarded as a goody two-shoes), I can assure you that your perfect friends also struggle with things, and at least some of them struggle with lust. Those that don’t struggle with lust have some other thing they struggle with. I’ve got a pretty extensive list of my own struggles, whatever I may look like in public. That doesn’t justify any of us to sin, just because everyone struggle with a sin nature. But it does mean you’re allowing yourself to compare the reality of your own mind with a false image of someone else’s mind, much like the girl who judges her body against an airbrushed photo of a supermodel. So stop doing that. :)

      We’re all unworthy. But Christ died for all of our unworthiness. We’re not meant to earn a place in God’s church, because none of us is perfect enough. We’re meant to accept the free gift of a place in God’s family, and it sounds as though you’ve done that. So remind yourself that it’s not your worthiness but Christ’s that makes you fit to enter in. Because all God sees when you walk through His door is Christ’s blood. He knew before Christ ever set foot on Golgotha every single failure you’d ever have. Including all the ones yet to happen. And He still wanted you, knowing all that. He doesn’t loathe you, He loves you. So stop loathing yourself, confess and ask His cleansing when your thoughts stray, and move forward again in His love. When Satan steps before God’s throne to accuse you, Christ has only to step forward and show the nail prints to win your case. He already took the punishment for it. So when Satan tries to bring a case in your own mind, refer him to that Higher Court where your advocate stands with nail-scarred hands.

  73. Even though I want to be a Christian 100%, I feel very disconnected with the church on this topic. I’m 61 now. At 19, I was having the female version of wet dreams. If I had been a popular girl, It’s possible I would have lost my virginity a lot sooner than I did. My mother pushed me into marriage with my first ever boyfriend (age 20), and we had a great sex life, but the marriage did not last (3 years). After we divorced I was much on fire with desire. I never married again, but I had a number of boyfriends.
    I don’t think I avoided marriage because I had a sinner mindset. I think I just couldn’t find a reliable or fitting partner.
    I went back to church in the last three years, and it seems that sin chased me right into the church. I started dating a church member, and alhough I was willing to abstain, he does not put the brakes on at all. I had my choice of no boyfriend or a sexually active boyfriend. I have never seen even one male, whether they call themselves Christian or not, who ever suffered from guilt pangs like women do. Do we carry the whole weight of abstinance? How can we?
    I’ve spent many years all by myself. I can do it, but it is psychologically and physically miserable to do. I am wondering how important it really is now. How does it serve anybody for me to be isolated? I’m 61, I can’t get pregnant. The worst that can happen is that I will take a psychological beating, and I am used to that. Every man I ever have hopes with, will surely do that to me in the end.
    But for right now, I have the comfort of a man’s arms around me, and the heavenly joy of pleasureable sex. I have someone who helps me in practical matters, and who goes to church with me, and prays with me. It’s not what it should be, but it’s better than when I was totally in the world.
    Married people have the comfort of each other 24 hours a day.
    When they have a crisis, someone is there to support them and care for them. If they had to live like I’ve lived, I wonder if they could do it.

    • Hello, I am almost 49 years old, and have never had sex, and I totally empathize with you. However, I know that I will just have to learn to deal with being totally alone forever. I guess that’s just the way it is.

      • Well, I wouldn’t necessarily tell you to follow my lead, because I have been a sinner girl, and I know it. But I will tell you that things CAN change in your life when you least expect it, and they did for me when I set my mind that I would just dedicate my life to the Lord and not worry about it. I do think that we need to keep on caring about our appearance and our personalities. It matters, if only to you. Keep your spirits up, and stay in a church that you really love. Think positive! Being single and lonely isn’t the worst thing that can happen to you. The Lord loves you and understands your heart.

  74. Thank you. You have no idea how much this helped with this overwhelming guilt that has been looming over me. I wish there was a guide to tell me how to react to my desires. My only consistent reaction is to sin. Still a virgin but the constant battles of my thoughts are slowly killing me. This helped a lot! Thank you so much for having the courage to express yourself. It has definitely encouraged me to be more open about sex.

    • I wish it was not sinful to attend to your own needs. It seems so much better than actually sleeping with someone! Less chance of STIs, drama, etc.

  75. I’m convinced this notion that women never have a high sex drive, comes as a result of most married women at least are on some sort of hormonal birth control, which for a lot of women gives them a low libido (this is not always good for marriage anyway). Whereas, those of us not on anything often have times of the month that we may have a very high sex drive (usually for 1-2 weeks). It is frustrating that it is rarely mentioned, it is portrayed that only men have this (I’m sure it’s not all men either). It can make you feel like a freak, especially when you used to always be on BC and didn’t experience it at all (apparently normal), then you go off it and a couple months later – bam! What’s this?

  76. Great post! As a guy this post has created some points for me. Growing up in the church you hear the normal guy message; it seems one-sided. You you look across the aisle at the pretty girls but you cant help but think you’re (guys) the problem, and you’re disgusting because of the thoughts – how were wired. As you said, there is an amount of self-control we must be able to have; Paul says in his message to the Corinthian church that its good to be unmarried if you are unmarried, but if you cannot control yourself you should be married. I’m really struck by that, I’ve read it hundreds of times thinking “I want to be married, so that I can be with my wife and we can enjoy each other”. I looked at that verse and saw it as if I was the only one with that desire. To be reminded that my sisters in Christ battle with this, it encourages me to be more serious about a relationship and to look for a spouse. That sounds weird from this angle, but I guess I get caught up with trying to control myself and to be pure; throwing off relationships or anything deep until I’m perfect. LOL! I forget that we can help each other. So, thanks for the nudge.

    • Yes, but that verse from Paul is incredibly depressing if it is clear that you will never be married. Then, what are you supposed to do with that desire?

  77. As a 17 year old female christian virgin, I always feel like there something wrong with me because I’m sex-obsessed. Can’t explain in words how relieved and grateful I am for now knowing I’m not alone and in fact quite normal. I was in tears as how deep this was for me and how I could relate and understand everything. You have no idea how much this helped me. Thank you so much.

      • Andrea, I can’t tell by your response if you’re mentioning you’re age bitterly or what. I’m sure the older you get and trying to maintain abstinence till marriage, if it happens at all, would be more difficult. Yet, I don’t think being bitter about it when a 17-year old is trying to find community is helpful. I say if you don’t want to be a virgin anymore then pursue relationships with the sexual component. It’s up to you. Is it biblical? No. Yet, we also have free will. Personally, I don’t think bitter obedience to something is really obeying. Is it depressing if a deep desire can’t be fulfilled? Yes! I’m 25 and I hope that my desire for marriage (and yes, sex) can be fulfilled but many times I have a feeling that it will never happen for me and sometimes that really hurts me. I hope if that does happen I can learn to value my life for what it is and what I have. I don’t imagine that it would be easy.

      • I just don’t see why a 17 year-old (or a 25 year-old for that matter) would be so concerned about their virginity. You are still extremely young, and have plenty of time to pursue relationships, marriage, sex as time (and God) allows. You are too young to be worried about marriage and relationships, as this is your time to pursue work, and other goals. Who cares if you’re a virgin at such a young age? That’s what is expected. There are more societal (and personal) expectations regarding being a virgin as one get a bit older. And, those expectations are not always positive. So, the 17 year-old should not worry about it so much. Nor should she worry so much about her sexual thoughts, because we ALL have them. It’s just a matter of not acting on them.

      • This is why the new and older generation don’t get along well. You are being very judgmental and narrow-minded. What difference should my age make? Like you said, everyone has sexual thoughts, so obviously everyone can struggle with abstinence as well. And if you would notice, today in our society IT IS expected to lose one’s virginity on a very young age, christian or not. I just wished it was a subject more freely spoken of so the curiosity and uncertainty would not get to me. But it looks like even here I am judged.. so no point in wasting my time any further.

  78. I’m not judging you. I’m just saying that at 17, you have your whole life ahead of you, and you will be fine! And, there is no need to worry about your sexual thoughts because we all have them.

  79. I came her via Charity’s blog, Idle Wanderings. This is an excellent post, and a good reminder to me that I need to be a safe place for my daughters. They’re still young, but there will come a time when they need to talk about this kind of stuff, and I need to be someone they can trust with their questions and secrets.

  80. I came here from Charity’s blog too. I haven’t read all the comments here, so I’m sorry if any of this has been said already.

    As a married woman, I’d like to just add that… once you’re married and “allowed” to have sex, the struggle doesn’t end. I have to work hard to keep my thoughts pure, in that I have to guard myself against fantasizing about any man other than my husband. When you love movies passionately the way I do, that can be pretty tough. I haven’t watched “Magic Mike” or “True Blood,” but it’s really hard to keep my mind pure while watching Chris Hemsworth be shirtless in “Thor: The Dark World,” or see Hugh Jackman kissing Nicole Kidman in “Australia,” or, or, or… There have been movies that I’ve realized tempt me too much, and I can’t watch them anymore because, if I’m getting all turned on by someone who is not my husband, I’m lusting after them, and that’s a sin.

    We live in a sinful world. We’re sinners. In the end, all we can do is flee temptation when we see it coming and repent when we fall.

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