To my future husband,
This is an apology of sorts to you. It isn’t filled with any scandalous confessions or outrageous epiphanies. Instead, it is a simple “I’m sorry” for some things I’ve done, some thoughts I’ve had. It’s an apology for the way I’ve behaved on a few occasions, even when I knew better. It’s a simple note, and it’s for you.
I’m sorry for putting all the responsibility for finding each other on your shoulders. I’m sorry for asking you to come and find me, when I haven’t put much effort into looking for you or seeking you out. I don’t want any part of our marriage to be solely up to you. I want to be your partner, as well as your wife and best friend and lover. I want us to be equal. I want us to want to find each other, because we’re both ready.
I’m sorry for my impatience. I’m sorry for catching myself thinking that maybe it wouldn’t be worth it to wait for you. I’m sorry I took off my purity ring and considered giving to someone else what I’ve been keeping safe for you. I’m sorry that the only reason it’s safe is because God protected what I couldn’t. I’m so sorry I thought it wasn’t a worthy gift for you. I’m sorry I almost threw it away. I’m sorry I walked around hoping a man would see me in a sexual light. I’m sorry I have to tell you this.
I’m sorry for objectifying you. I’ve built you up in my mind to be this amazingly wonderful, perfect, Adonis of a man. I’ve made you into an amalgamation of the best parts of the guys I know or the ones I read about. I’ve created you into something you can never be, and I’ve set myself up to be disappointed. I’ve set you up to fail. I’m so terribly sorry. You don’t deserve that pressure, especially since I don’t want it for myself. I’m sorry for not wanting you to be you, wishing instead for a ridiculous dream.
I’m sorry my relationship with God isn’t where it should be. I’m sorry I don’t have a strong pillar of faith to offer you, when I’m mostly filled with unending questions. I’m sorry I don’t take time out of my day to pray for you, to ask God to keep you safe and happy. I’m sorry I won’t be able to share random verses with you for encouragement, because I don’t read my Bible often enough to remember them. I’m sorry to know so little.
I’m sorry I’m so fickle in my pursuits. I’m sorry I jump from one thing to another without much care or forethought. I’m sorry I get restless and make decisions without considering how they affect others. I’m sorry I’m selfish.
I’m sorry for thinking you can solve my problems. I’m sorry for thinking that finding you will make my issues disappear. I’m sorry for thinking you will be the end of every unhappy memory. I’m sorry for putting the expectation of a perfect future on your shoulders. I’m sorry for assuming you will be there for me, while I only passingly understand I will also be there for you. I’m sorry for thinking you will take care of me, regardless of whether or not I take care of myself.
But mostly, I’m sorry that I’m not ready for you. I’m sorry for thinking I was, when really I had become complacent. I’m sorry I stopped trying to find you, to be better for you, to be the partner you need. I’m sorry it took me too long to realize.
Your future love.
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