my letter to my depression

I see you. I feel you. I know you like a lover and hate you like an enemy. You are my constant companion.

I remember when I first met you. I was blown away, knocked down and left breathless. You filled up my mind. You pushed everything else away and made me look at you. Only you. You made me cry. You made me empty. You wouldn’t let me look away. You stole my happiness and left emptiness in its place. And I was beside myself. I wasn’t ready for you. I didn’t see you coming. And suddenly you were there, filling the recesses of my mind with darkness. You stayed with me for awhile until you were bored. Until you moved on to something else. And I was left alone in my loneliness.

But you always came back.

You changed me. I was never the same. The world looked different after you. A bit hazy, slightly tilted, leaving me off kilter. Some days I was angry. I hated that you left me feeling too much. I hated that you would come back, just when I had found a reason to smile and take it from me. I resented you. I abhorred you. I hated the person I was when I was with you. I hated who I turned into when you would come around.

Other days, I held you close. I clung to you, the only thing that made sense. I hated that you made sense, that I had come to understand you. I didn’t want you, but you were the only one there. The only thing I could see. So I took you in. And you brought me down, held me down. You made me feel worthless, but you were there. I needed someone who was there. I embraced the darkness. And I lost myself.

I don’t love you. I couldn’t. I’m never my best when I’m with you. You don’t help me be a better person. You don’t encourage me, care for me, build me up, or share my happiness. You don’t give me anything. You only take. So I can’t love you. Even if you take up my time, invade my thoughts, accompany me throughout the mess that is my life, I will never love you. You are nothing I need; you cannot love me.

But I’m not ashamed of you. At least, not any longer. I don’t accept you, but I recognize you. I recognize that you cannot leave me be. You will not give me peace. You will ruin my days, upset my nights, destroy my sleep, frustrate my relationships, but I will not be embarrassed of you. I will not hide you. I will not allow you to paralyze me, even though I cannot control you. I will fight you. I will be as strong as I am able. I won’t let you win. Somehow, someday, I’ll leave you behind. I will leave you to your loneliness.

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