As I have mentioned a time or two (or three or four, but who’s really counting), I’m quite single. I say “quite” because I’m trying to own my status as an independent young woman who doesn’t need a man. And I don’t need a man. I also don’t need the mocha ice cream sitting in my freezer or that second glass of wine, but they are nice things to have and sometimes we like to enjoy those nice things. Hm, I think I’m getting off track here. Anyways, I’m single. For now, I’m pretty okay with this, considering I just moved across the country, started a new job, and am still getting used to people saying y’all every five minutes and calling me ma’am. But eventually, I’m going to be looking for a nice man to share my life with. I’m going to want to find someone who makes me laugh and smile and tells me he loves me even when I can’t stop with the sarcasm and inappropriate jokes.
That being said, there are a few places I’ve already determined are not suitable for looking for your future significant other. These are based on my observations alone and should not be taken as fact (but really, they are pretty spot on, so maybe pay attention).
1. The bus. Do you know how many creepy men frequent the bus? A lot. It’s a bit disturbing. There are three types of guys you should probably watch out for in order to avoid awkward situations. First, the man who drops his wallet and three condoms spill out. I mean, it would be bad enough if one condom fell out, but three just seems excessive… and maybe a bit optimistic. Second, the man who talks to himself. Really, that’s indicative of a larger problem, so don’t make eye contact. (Then again, I sometimes talk to myself… Actually yeah, probably stay away from people who talk to themselves.) Third, the drunken man who talks (aka mumbles) to you while holding a half empty bottle of whiskey. Need I say more?
2. Zumba. For those of you who are blissfully unaware, Zumba is an “exercise” class that uses dance techniques. And when I say exercise I mean a special circle of hell that not even Satan on his best day could have thought up. About 99% of the people who (crazily) participate in this are women. The occasional man who does venture in is going to be off limits for two reasons. First, they are probably gay, and while they may make an excellent shopping buddy, not so much a good boyfriend (for a woman, that is). Second, they are probably married, because men don’t usually choose to subject themselves to any type of exercise that involves jumping around and moving their hips unless there is a long-standing guilt trip being exacted upon him by his wife, who is probably rocking out right next to him. Besides, no one really looks their best after their work out. I’m not sure I’d want that to be my first impression on anyone.
3. Children’s clothing stores. I work at a lovely store that happens to only carry clothes for people a third my size and possibly at my maturity level. Its pretty good at keeping me busy and making sure I don’t have any desire to reproduce any time soon. And while some pretty nice looking guys come into these stores, very rarely will one be available. Either they are older and looking for gifts for their future grandchildren (and this is the sweetest thing ever, by the way), or they come in with their wife and their sole purpose is to make sure their sons don’t terrorize the store. On the off chance that a man comes in and seems single, you can never be sure. Yeah they might come in alone and ask for your phone number, but you won’t know until its three months later and his actual girlfriend shows up at dinner because he accidentally scheduled you both for dates on the same night. No one wants to be that girl. (Guys, probably don’t flirt with a single woman in a baby store unless you are willing to commit to the immediate possibility of marriage and children. And when I say immediate, I mean like yesterday.)
I was tempted to add bars to the list, but since I don’t really get out much and wouldn’t go to a bar unless someone promised me a library the size of a small country and maybe a million dollars, I wouldn’t be the best judge of those. But I can vouch for the places above and wouldn’t encourage you to find a future husband there. Especially buses… just saying. There are some really good men out there, but apparently they are better at hiding than us ladies are. So gentlemen, feel free to show yourselves. Some of us are worth it.
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