There comes a moment in our lives when you realize you’re split in two. Its that moment when you know that you’re living two different lives, and the those lives can never intersect. And you don’t really want them to. You don’t want them to meet, because you know with everything that you are that the person you are in one world wouldn’t be caught dead with the person in your other world. And then, you have to choose. You can give one of your lives up and commit fully to living the other, or you can go on with divisive and destructive approach to living. But you can never meld the two together. It would be impossible. There were never meant to coincide, or complement each other. They exist in opposition. They need distance. And if you let them both exist, if you continue to operate in your two worlds, one day you’ll find yourself living only half an existence.
We like to have our cake and eat it too. We don’t want to feel like we’re sacrificing something, giving up something, or missing out. We want it all, even it we know shouldn’t. We like and crave what we are told we can’t have. Its our greatest sin, our first mistake.
We spend so much time trying to make our worldly desires fit into our pseudo-spiritual lives. We come up with excuses and explanations for why we can live for God and sin at the same time. We can justify our actions, or rather we have to justify them. It’s the only way we can live with ourselves… But we aren’t really living. Everyday, we lose a little piece of ourselves, until finally we wake up one morning and can’t recognize ourselves in the mirror.
In Matthew 16:26, Jesus asks,
For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?
That piece of ourselves that we lose each day? That little something we have to sacrifice in order to maintain our illusion that we can live two separate lives in the worlds we have created? That is your soul. That is what you give up. The emptiness you feel inside when the weariness of living two lives becomes too much is because part of your soul is slowly being ripped out. It is being cut away from you. And after you’ve finally given it all away and there is nothing left? What do you have left to give so that you can have your soul back?
One of the things I’m learning is that you can’t really have a bit of both. I mean, you can. But it takes its toll. It weighs on you, leaving a feeling of guilt that you can’t seem to escape. What I’m also learning is that its not worth it. Living two lives, taking the best of two worlds, doesn’t leave you any happier than when you commit to living one. I’m not even going to say that you have to live the perfect Christian life many of us have tossed on the back burner. That’s not my place. And besides, there isn’t really one perfect Christian life any of us could agree upon anyways. But I can say that there is a lot to be said for living your life honestly. For being who you are, plain and simple, without hiding or pretending. Your life and soul are too precious to try and be something you’re not. Hopefully, with God’s love, you can learn to be the person you were born to be.