Some days, I don’t want to get out of bed. Most days, I don’t leave the house. (Granted, that’s probably because I don’t have a car, but I still don’t make that much of an effort). Today, I’m sitting in the kitchen, looking at the blue skies and shadows created by the excessive sun, and I can’t seem to smile. Unfortunately, I can’t seem to care.
There is a darkness inside of me that I can’t seem to lose. It creeps up on my mind, seeps into my heart, and weighs me down. I try to forget it, to imagine it away with thoughts of a blissful future that I will someday find. But I’ve lived into the future, and the darkness follows me there.
At random moments, I can imagine myself breaking down. I imagine telling my family and friends of the depressing thoughts and horrid places my mind can take me. I imagine crying in front of them, begging them to make the hurt and pain go away. I imagine their shock and surprise. I imagine the distance they put between us, the confusion on their faces. I imagine becoming even more alone. And then I stop imagining altogether.
So I learn to live with the darkness. I accept it as a part of me, paying it tribute in the form of smiles and happiness. I allow it to reside in me, simply knowing that nothing I do will ever take it away and replace it with light. I don’t fight it, knowing that if I let it have its day, maybe it will leave me alone tomorrow. We have a treaty, but only the darkness is a winner.
But I want to be the winner. For just one day, I want to be the one who is actually excited to get up and live my life. I don’t want to lament the good times I could have had. I want to be happy and mean it. I don’t want to wear a mask of smiles in order to prevent people from seeing the darkness inside of me. I want to be only myself. I don’t want to create two lives, one for myself and one for everyone else.
I wonder which person I am when I talk with God. Do I show Him the darkness, the emptiness, the sadness and indifference? Or do I show Him the mask, even though I know He can see through it? Do I pretend like I have everything under control? Do I lie to Him when I tell Him my life is perfect and that there is nothing I need from Him? Do I try and hide the darkness? Am I embarrassed of who I am?
I’m not all that sure what to do anymore. I don’t know where to go from here. I feel like I’m a bit stuck, reliving the same frustrations and sadness over and over again. I don’t know how to come to God and give Him everything. I don’t know how to be myself in front of God. I don’t know how to believe in Him anymore than I already do, but my belief doesn’t seem to be enough.
But He tells us that He is enough for us, and we are enough for Him. He loves us where we are, even if we aren’t quite that sure what we are. So maybe my problem isn’t that I don’t believe enough, but that I don’t believe in Him and trust in Him enough. But I want to learn how. I need to. I’m just not sure where to begin.