gentleman (still) wanted.

To my future husband,

I love you. I love you so much. Sometimes the loneliness becomes overwhelming, and I just wish that you would appear out of nowhere, as if you also just knew that I needed you. I wish I was sure that you are out there, looking for me. But most days, I think that you may have found someone else or just stopped looking. I’m not sure which would be worse. All I know is that I wish I could see you, touch you, hold you. I wish I could talk to you and try to make sense out of the things going through my mind. I wish you were next to me, holding my hand and telling me things are going to work out like they always do. I wish you would love me for me and not for all the things you wish I could be. I wish I was enough for you.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I make plans, grand and wonderful plans, and nothing ever turns out. I try something new and different, and it’s a total wreck. I feel like everywhere I turn, there is a wall that only gets higher and higher until I can’t see the sun, and I’m surrounded by darkness. I don’t like the darkness. I don’t like being blind.

I know that you can’t fix my problems. I know you aren’t a solution to the mess that is my life. But I still need you. I need your love, your support, your smiles and hugs. I need the whispered words of love you tell me as I drift off to sleep. I need you to wipe away my tears as you hold me in your strength. I need you to pray with me and ask God for the peace that only He can give. I need you to hand me my Bible when I forget that God’s Word holds the answers to my questions. I need you to love me in spite of my problems. I need you to see past them.

I miss you the most in the middle of the night, when I wake up for absolutely no reason. I miss the feel of your arms around me. I miss watching you sleep as I brush the hair out of your eyes. I miss kissing your forehead, cheeks, and lips until you wake up. I miss your smile when you finally wake up and the way you say my name. I miss the way you look at me, like there is nothing else in the world. I miss the feel of you, even though we’ve never met.

I want to smile with you. I want to create a life with you built on happiness and love. I want to have your children. I want to give you a family. I want to be your wife, your partner, your lover. I want to be everything you need. I want to be the mother of your children and the woman of your dreams. I want to make you laugh. I want to know your favorite color, your least favorite food, your best memory, and your worst nightmare. I want to argue with you, make mistakes with you, and grow with you. I want to get lost on a roadtrip with you. I want to accidentally turn all of your white tshirts pink, because I left my red top in the washer. I want to make you think, and I want you to teach me something new.

I’ll always wait for you. I’ll always love you. I’ll always know that you are the only one for me. I’ll always be here.

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4 thoughts on “gentleman (still) wanted.

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